I've started again after almost 4 years. It's not a relapse this time. I've had maybe 4 or 5 relapses since May 2012, but I never counted those as starting again, because my mind and purpose was still on track with stopping. This time it's different. This time I want to again. I'm tired of staying strong. I've been tired of staying strong for some time now, so I just kind of gave up on it.

I'm still not sure how to feel about it. I just recently told someone that I used to cut, just out of the blue, because I felt I needed to tell someone again with the urges and everything. I showed my old, healed scars, and the reaction was positive, but we never brought it up again. That was a few weeks before. I haven't told anybody about starting again yet, and I don't think I'll tell that person.

Some time ago, I wrote on my arm in ballpen, "Please help... but how?" I feel that that captured my situation quite well, because it's like I feel despaired at times but I don't have any real problems. The "how" is really important because I don't know how I can be helped, or if it was another person, how I could help them.