well...
i've had some more to drink, doesnt make it easier to focus...
actually have a pretty good headache... for past few hours, but whatever...

i say a lot of things... but cant take everything for exactly the way i say it...
sometimes i say something and want it to mean something else... alot of times i do that...
i really dont like talking... i would be happy not speaking anymore...
but i want to make things better... for the family mostly... dont care about this body much anymore... ive just caused much pain with it...
and now im my own torturer... the abuser to keep one from letting others abused...
i would just like things to get better... all i ever wanted when i tried to tell the first doctor that i was depressed was to find the relief... everyone deserves to feel happy...
but im forgetting everything... my words cant describe the type of things happening... even if they could i dont think i would....


writing here again.. why...

i try to slightly hint things to my family....
tell them things like i cant remember... or im not sure what..? or whatever...
im very tired.... and i have been drinking... and my mind just hasn't been helping me much lately.... its pulling me apart... and i cant understdand.... its so hard, to feel these things... i read about body memories... and they hurt... so much so me times....
i read about many things... but im to ashamed to even say anything... i would much like some one to tell me i will be ok... but i know no one can really tell me that...

dont want to cry like this any more
its stupid to write anything when you dont understand anything...
but this the only way i can reach out right now...
im not going to tell anyone anything....... i cant....
im just being stupid.... cant say how scared i am of whats going to happen....

i m just doing this because i dont know what to do... obviously i want to see a profesional... but i have no options right now and im trying to just keep myself calm...
hoping that maybe a strange connection to others will help.... with no other options i have atleast to try...

its just my memory... i dunno whats really happening... i just end up watching a lot... but i cant remember these things what im watching.... disconected.... the kind when someone tells you something and you turn around to do whatever and have to turn back and be like sorry what did you want me to do.. cant focus....

hurting...
i feel like deleting all these things so i can just stop having anyone to talk to...
im just being a fool and making tings seem worse... if i just could hide i wouldn't even think about things...


posting on forums when drinking is probably stupid stupid big idea...
just wanna make it stop hurting... elevatedIDIOT