A few years ago I went to see a doctor about depression. I was diagnosed with it, but even so, there were times when I doubted my decision to seek help. I have some really bad days where I feel anxious and tired and will struggle to get out of bed in the morning, but I also have a few good days or weeks in-between. Sometimes I even feel like I'm the most optimistic one amongst my friends and family, although I figured I was managing my depression better on those days.

I made a friend who has Bipolar and we shared a few stories of the things we were going through, after which it became apparent we were actually very alike. So I did some research and took a few tests. Each test I've done for Bipolar has come back as severe. I did a general mental health assessment as well, and the highest scores were Depression, General Anxiety Disorder and Bipolar. When I looked at the symptoms I realized that a few of them did fit. I've always had problems with intense thoughts running through my head, but I put that down to having an over-active mind or an excess of adrenaline (I studied game programming which is mentally taxing and obviously involves sitting around a lot.) I get weeks where I have no motivation, and other times when I can happily work all day every day. My mind obsesses over things, especially if something has upset me. It can take me a few days to finally calm down and focus on something else. I've been having trouble concentrating and will pace around the house. Sometimes my heart feels like it's racing too (I go to the gym so I shouldn't be unfit.) I don't feel like I'm a very patient person and I get agitated a lot, but I assumed this was due to my anxiety putting me on edge. I have a tendency to expect the worse. I also have trouble with sleeping and when it's really bad I'll toss and turn, feeling frustrated because I can't seem to settle my thoughts.

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is normal though. I'm sure everybody has good and bad days to some extent. I know some people that have taken online tests and now they consider themselves to have whatever the results came back with, but I don't think that's a good idea without first getting a doctor's opinion. I've been thinking about getting a diagnosis to help me to better understand myself and seek the support I need. I often feel guilty over my behaviour (people haven't responded to me well in the past,) but understanding why might help me to come to terms with it. When I mentioned this to others however, they told me to think carefully about it because of how a diagnosis can come to define you. Both my partner and my sister have told me that they don't want me to go on medication either – they've known others whose personality has changed as a result of this. I'm also a little worried myself about losing the better parts of me if I seek support (I'm a very creative person and have lots of ideas for instance, but I've read that this can by a symptom of Bipolar.) I'm also not sure how to go about it. I've found that if you go in with an idea the doctor will run with it and only test for that. When I first came in with depression for example, they didn't think to ask me about what I am like outside of feeling unhappy. If you don't mention your suspicions however, they don't think to look for it. It's so confusing with overlapping symptoms that it's hard to tell what exactly you're dealing with. I'll also feel bad for wasting their time if I go in and it turns out not to be the case. I'm thinking of keeping a diary for a while so I can monitor my moods to try and figure it out. If I do decide to see a doctor should I just tell them outright that I suspect it might be Bipolar or leave it open so they can consider all the possible options?