Hello GAGypsy: This appears to be your first Thread, here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral... from the Skeezyks! I hope you find whatever amount of time you spend here to be of benefit.

Well... I'm an older person. But I have much the same "attitude" you do... fear, rage & pain. So I think I can relate to what you're experiencing. There is a book on BPD aptly titled: I Hate You Don't Leave Me. Perhaps you've heard of it, or even read it. I think this succinctly describes the feeling of wanting everyone to F off while, at the same time, being deathly afraid of being left alone.

In my case, I am married. Otherwise, however, I am completely solitary. And much of the time, I secretly wish I were simply alone period although, if I were, I'd probably be one hurtin' unit... Everything seems to enrage me. But, in particular, drivers who try to run me down when I'm out walking, & trying to cross the streets, make me violently angry. I cuss them out & give them the finger! I know I shouldn't. But I simply can't control myself. I HATE THEM! (I pretty-much hate everybody, in real life...)

In my case, I've been on psych med's in the past (none at present.) I've also seen a few therapists for brief periods. None of them were worth the bother... or the expense... as far as I'm concerned. Sometimes I think I should try one or both of these options again. But I really don't want to, & I can't afford it either. So I just continue to rage on! If you haven't tried one or both of these options however, it might be worth a try. There really aren't any magic solutions here. There are psych med's, there's therapy, & then there's just gutting it out one day after another like I'm doing at present (I don't recommend it.) I do some meditation & it probably helps a bit. But it's kind-of like trying to beat back an elephant with a fly swatter! I also spend quite a bit of time here on PC, & that helps.

Anyway, I hope you are able to find a solution to your circumstances. It's a tough way to live...