Hey folks, I was going to start another thread on this topic, and then I remembered I had already started one. For a time I told myself I wasn't going to think about her, that I was going to look at her strictly as a coworker and that was all. I was going to focus on myself and figure out what I want and need before I was going to worry about trying to please anyone else.

It didn't last.

Due to the nature of the job, I don't get much of a chance to talk to her during the day. However I often have a chance to stop by her desk as I'm leaving for the day and chat a little bit. I these moments. I play it very cool and never hint at what I really feel. It drives me a bit crazy because I get to gaze into her bright blue eyes and see that excitement and energy that she radiates, and I just have to act like I don't notice it.

Last week I had an opportunity to have a one-on-one with another coworker (i.e. I met him somewhere for a drink) and I couldn't help it, I confided in him. As it turns out, he's actually related to her so he knows her fairly well. Said she hasn't had the best of luck in relationships, and he's not sure where she is right now. What he also told me is that she too is looking for a way out of the company... she went to school for something far more creative and dreams of getting into that field. I feel like she and I could help each other, since I dream of doing creative things as well. But I don't dare talk to her about it yet either.

I thought about approaching her about it, saying maybe we could get together and talk about collaborating on a project together, tossing ideas around. But then I realized that by doing that I'd have to reveal I was talking with this guy about her, and that could seem creepy. Painted myself into a corner again.

I was hoping to see her this past weekend at a company event that we both signed up for. In fact, a couple days before I was talking to her and I made a joke that I couldn't go because I had hurt my hand a bit during a workout earlier in the week, and she said, "You better be there!" So I got all psyched about it, but then I didn't see her there. She may have been there but I didn't see her.

Thing is when I started thinking about she and I working on this "project" together I got quite excited. Suddenly I felt like I knew how to get out of here and move on with my life, as long as she was a part of it. So then when suddenly I felt like now she wouldn't be part of it, the train went off the tracks. I didn't have a depressive episode but I started feeling discouraged again.

I just needed to talk about this with someone. Thanks for listening. Tomorrow it's back to the grind, watching her from afar and wondering if she's thinking at all what I'm thinking.