I'm in my early 30s and I have some physical health issues and I have dealt with depression since I was a preteen/teen. I've been to different therapists, done group therapy, and tried different medications. I've never led a "normal" life. I have very little family and no close friends.
I got married last year (I never ever thought this would happen) and me and my husband have been having a lot of problems which is adding to my depressed state. I have a lot of guilt because I know that dealing with me and all of my issues has become extremely burdensome.
I've also dealt with regular suicidal ideation throughout my life and I have made a few attempts (but not recently). I know I have much to be grateful for in my life, but I do have a lot of problems. My health issues, marital issues, low self-esteem/insecurity issues, financial problems, and social issues (lack of friends, support) all feed into me feeling hopeless and that I want to just escape.
I feel like this world would be better off without me because I am not adding any value to it. I don't have a career, I barely made it through college and I have a terrible work history. My social anxiety, lack of social skills, perfectionism, anger issues, depression and low energy have caused me to not be able to stay at jobs long and have gotten in the way of me getting jobs in the first place. I work part-time right now from home doing work that does not fulfill me, but it helps pay the bills and I am grateful for that. But I see no future for me. I don't have any children or pets and I don't plan to have any because of all of my problems.
I feel regret because I think I should have left this earth a long time ago, but instead because of fear or small traces of hope I had, I think this is why I am still here. Honestly, I have also been fearful of making failed attempts and having to deal with things afterwards (being in a hospital, possibly being homeless, etc.).
Now I am married and I know my husband cares about me, I do think that he would be much better off without me. Acknowledging this to myself is very painful to bear because it confirms everything I have believed about myself. I have never felt good enough, let alone good enough to be someone's wife. I don't want to hurt him anymore though by taking my life. We have brought up possibly separating either temporarily or permanently, which is not an option right now because I cannot support myself on my own. I honestly don't think I can go on living if we separate and I also feel like I cannot go on living if we are together because I am making him so unhappy. I hate myself even more for involving him in all of my problems. I feel like a terrible person and I don't know how to live with myself.
I don't want to hurt the few people that care about me and who have done so much for me (mainly my husband and my sister), but I feel that I have no place here in this world. I have nothing to offer (no skills, talents, passions). I don't want to waste any more money on doctors, and therapy, especially because my husband works really hard and we don't have a lot. I just feel like me not being here would be the easiest thing.
My husband is Christian and feels strongly that suicide is wrong and believes that we are all valuable and have a place in this world. I admire his view, but at the same time I don't agree and I don't totally understand it. I wish I could be more like him, but I don't think I can..I don't know how. For awhile now, I have felt that people should be able to take their own lives if they choose to, especially when they are dealing with chronic long-term illness. I know this is a very controversial position to take and I do not push my view on anyone. I just have been through a lot (emotionally) in my life and I feel like there have been little progress.
Some/most people would probably say the reason for that is my fault and maybe that is true. But no one other than me has been in my shoes (not saying I had a terrible life, but emotionally it has been very difficult). I constantly think about suicide.
I probably sound pretty pathetic. I just don't know what to do with myself. I want things to get better, but I just don't see how they can. There is lots more I'm sure I could say, but I will just stop here. Thanks for reading.