i too, decided, as you have, that life wasn't going to get better for me.

thankfully, things came along at just the right time to show me that if all i had was me, at least i could work on not being miserable. that has been my passion for the last 11 yrs,, and it is working ~! i am a much happier, nicer person now, tho life still sucks and i still have no "real" life, no job, no friends, no contact with very little family...etc.

what i DO have is a purpose, a goal, and a freedom from those thoughts of self-annihilation that used to goad me to do foolish things. if you want to see if this is something that might serve you,, i suggest the buddhist mind training (lojong) slogans, ,which are 59 suggestions on how to change your way of thinking about and responding to, events.

i'd be glad to discuss them with you, if you are interested,,, there is a link to a web site where you can read them, and then receive each one in a daily, or weekly post, to help you along. there are seven well known teachers and thinkers who each phrase the slogan in their own words, so many people can find one who they understand.

(unfortunately the main site has been hacked and is under reconstruction... ) here is an alternate site to read:

Train Your Mind: Lojong commentary by Judy Lief | Tricycle

i wish i had a more secular, less 'buddhist' site, but at the moment, this is the only way i know to introduce you to the ideas that make life worth living, regardless of it's external affairs. many of the aims of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) are similar to these.

best wishes~
may you have the desire to change, and the means to change~!