im just a big trigger..

song




the things you want not to remember.. forget... then remember... then forget... then remember... what flavor today..?
i dont even know what memories are mine anymore.. are they even memories - is there a such thing as memories.. i wont let myself remember
i just know i need help... am desperate... because i dont think people will believe anything i say... feel like this is my problem... and is just up to me to fix things... because even if i told someone what could they do... just make me feel worse and think something wreally wrong with me... i know there is something wrong.. but i dont want everyone to treat me like a sick dieing puppy they feel sorry about but to scared to do anything to help it...

broken and scarred... scared and confused... lost and alone... no trust for anyone, how i can trust someone when i cant trust myself..
no wonder i cant make myself come back to the planet... dont wanna be here none...
this place is awful

forgetting who i am, if i ever knew.. because the things i am are horrible... my life is has been .... urgh... i thought being an angel to everyone would fix things.. but no mount of external work can amount to any internal help...
now everyone just thinks im a good guy that is easy going happy and make people smile and feel loved and cared... but tey cant see how much i need someone to see past me...
and i think maybe its good because if they could see me... all i would do is cry...
because i lived in this world that is unreal for so long...
i just isolate so much its easier to hold illusions together for others...
not that no one has never seen me in bad modes... because thats happened a lot too i think.. but everyone forgets those moments i think.. no one really wants to believe something is wrong.. you know...

i dunno what to say...
im driving myself crazy...
and i wont shut up or stop these ... ... um... mental intrusions...

laughing at something seemingly funny on the tv.. flash... crying on the inside because it hurts so bad... flash... different images... flash... feeling stupid and crazy and confused because you dunno why you feeling so weird... flash... paranoid because you think you are being stupid... negative self talk... grr.... shhhh please just leave me alone... i dunno what to do... start crying for real.. laughing inside at myself... its hard writing anymore...
im trying so hard to just STOP - but i dont think i can control it...
my head starts to spin.. and i feel like im going to faint..

maybe im delusional...
im just losing my mind and too many things trying to happen...

flashbacks... coincidences... memories... explanations... these things in my mind...
why couldnt i done this when i was trying to have therapy... instead of running away from therapy and saying im fine i dont need that !*%@#
such an idiot... maybe i did do it.. i cant remember what she talked to me about anyway.. i think she was just trying to help with anxiety... i have no clue.. they all knew i had PTSD ... but i ... i cant remember if she ever talked to me about it.. i dont really remember anything but when she told me she was having to leave the clinic to go back to school to advance her career or whatever.. and she was nice about it and kept reassuring me that she would work with me until she had to leave, at that time i was like thats fine i dont need you anyway im fine - clearly im not fine so i dunno wth i was talking about... just wanted to leave that place... dont like going there... its hard for me to trust people i guess...

whatever, this sucks :/
so many parts of me is telling me this is dumb to write anything about anything..
everytime i try its a challenge... and then when i finish i have to force to click the submit button because if i dont ill end up just deleting everything i wrote because its "so stupid"
but im confused and... maybe being confused and scared and trying to just say anything if even to a wall or empty forum or anything, could maybe help me stop being confused...
when ever i do come back though if i read these things ill just facepalm and feel like a hudge idiot... dunno why i have to make myself look so retarded... but maybe i am retarded and i just need someone to tell me..

its just not really helping you know.. maybe its just making things worse... coming back and seeing ive wrote about other things and... just dont like talking about things...
and seeing that i end up saying these things, because i usually just forget what ive done or said or whatever.. sometimes have an idea but not really sure... i know ive said too many things here.. i just dont know to who or where... its so embarrassing...
would like to stop coming here but i dont really want to stop because im alone... and its scary being aloone when you are lost in a dark forest confused about everything...

i dunno, argh... why am i just saying the same thing over and over?
this is why i dont like writing, blah blah

one day im gonna wake up... and everything will be great... and i will be able to be happy.. and grounded... and remember my life... and whats happening and my plans and... just be normal...
i hope...
would just like a chance to be happpy... human... those things...
life has been so hard... i try to tell myself i still have time... 26 years on the planet isnt that long maybe... but .. it feels like very long time... because it was so ****ed up... classic... it was my fault, no it wasn't my fault... so stupid..

im sorry.. im really not here right now... i dunno where i am at...
im in a dream... a nightmare maybe...