I'm sorry, I didn't mean to miscommunicate. I seem to do that often.
We are working on acceptance of the csa... I tend to throw different reasons at her why it couldn't possibly be true, and she gently goes through each one suggesting the reasons it might actually be true... it's not a bad thing, it's where we are at in therapy. It just sucks sometimes, because then I have to get back to the process of accepting what happened. She's actually one of the best t's I've had (and I've had several)... most of the time, I go in with desperate attempts to find ways it's all my fault and i'm just a drama queen (much easier than having to change the entire view of my childhood)... she's one of the few t's who understands trauma and dissociative disorders...
I ended up telling my wife some bits of the csa last night. She took it pretty well, and said a bunch of stuff in our relationship now makes more sense to her... as good as it was to finally be able to talk to her about it, it triggered me really badly. I'm afraid it might have been a mistake, not for anything she did, but because I'm totally freaking out now. I couldn't check out fast and far enough after telling her. It feels too vulnerable now... what if something bad happens? What if she is mad at me for it? I'm sure I'm going to get in trouble. He'll figure out I told someone, and he'll come here andI'll be in trouble and...
I told t I feel like i'm waring with myself; my adult side knows the right things to do, but my teenage side wants her own way, and they are both just trying to protect the scared little kid side (who really just wants someone safe; anyone really, as long as they are safe, though would prefer t)...
I can't sleep at all tonight. It's going to make tomorrow at work suck... with my luck, it will be a busy day and i'll have to stay the whole shift. At least it's somewhat grounding to be at work. I just hope it's quiet and easy, even if it's busy...
I really just want to find a way to check out hard and fast. I want to be anywhere but in my body right now.
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Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods
:sadhugs: that sucks. don't know how long u have
been w ur T, why would she tear you apart when you obviously have had a terrible week?! WTF! Doesn't sound very supportive or therapeutic to me!  idk her tho, so I really shouldn't going judging anything... but, personally I would be looking for a new T, cuz regardless if she believes your present reality or not... it is NEVER helpful to disregard or minimalise what someone else is going thru! A professional should certainly know that at least, yes CBT type thought challenging can be helpful but someone's got to be in the right mental frame to do serious processing work! You walk in her office obviously in distress...not the right time to start dissecting and opposing your feelings! I think anyone whatever their issues would walk away from that kinda invalidation feeling like a pist off teenager! Grrr. Sorry to go off on a rant like that... hopefully you can get some rest and find some relief.  |