I hate the word abused the feeling like its forever tattooed on my skin for the world to see.

That being sexually abused, physically beaten senseless for it and being told all the time I was never abused or it wasn't that bad.

That my feelings never validated no one to stick up for me when my ex beat me aborted my child and told me how much of a piece of trash I was.

That I couldn't fathom my life was this so far. How many days I need a therapist a trusted adult to hold my hand growing up and my parents or friends support.

No none of it, just silence. So many days like now I panic feeling forever trapped in my world I was enclosed caged by my previous many perpetrators and potential ones to come. That sexual abuse changed me the most emotionally feeling as a man objectified in the most unusual way when most women will shut me down if I mention my experience telling me it wasn't as bad as theirsor whomevers. I don't judge how others went through it so why me all these years.

My mother and family especially it doesn't make me feel any better about myself or pretending to make it go away like you've said for all my life mom.

That you not once recognized how badly I was treated or raped or come home beaten and never having the courage to tell you the truth because you would try to be a great mom, but not understanding my personal hell made it much worse.

How I was targeted and looked at as nothing for being raped growing up and how my fits of rage and tantrums ignited fear that I'm the bad guy.

That never my feelings of losing my grandma to get abuse and hell of Alzheimer's took her away from me too early and all you did that 7th grade teacher was mock my behavior telling me she should be ashamed of me.

These consistent feelings I got from this so many overwhelming guilt and bad memories made me to insane. I learned to never love because that's when they get you. Never show you're sad to anyone and never show you're face to the people who may hurt you. Just hide the best you can make a mask pretend nothing happened to blend in.

I always hope someone would see through this shadow of mine but I can only wish and dream.

I don't see myself married with kids and successful in everything on the outside but dying so badly from my destroyed childhood traumas and so many years of abuse I always have frightening feelings of public suicide of myself to show the world a spit in their face of disrespecting everyone whose told me I shouldn't be allowed to get angry or cry or smile all these people I still am around tell me how my body should look and I shouldn't care what they say and that I lost 100 lbs to be healthier and perfect, but now I struggle with anorexia again because I'm not perfect.

That every girl I meet I die on the inside feeling like a monster that I don't deserve anything and should be killed for my crimes. Oh but I wish you knew this is what abuse does to young kids who weren't told what love was properly. I deserved it because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and I let the people use me that's the logic I deal with on a daily basis.