Thank you! I may try this one day, when I'll be finished with my omega3 capsules. I take 1000mg a day and it actually makes me more calm and the intrusive thoughts are not as strong as they were too. When it comes to people, well, I had a group of friends at some point of my life, but some of them knew that I had some mental issues but they didn't understand it too much so they were like "oh, she's mentally ill, insane" and it made me very ashamed. There was a time in my life when I was too open about this stuff and didn't get the fact that other people's way of understanding is different than mine. This actually put me in some embarassing situations. Not everyone was this way, of course, because among these people there were some who themselves had anxiety issues and ocd and I still talk to them. They were asking me advice about medicine and stuff. But being more aware of this topic than everyone else also made me feel different. What other 12 year old is obsessed with mental health and going to psychiatrist? I was the only one like that.

When I was younger and had some mild psychologist evaluation I was told that I'm just like everyone else, it's just anxiety etc. But I know exactly that I'm not and it's not just anxiety that separates me from others. Yet, at the time I was 13,14,15 etc I didn't know anything about cognitive issues, learning disorders and stuff like that. Now I do, but now seems too late. I wish someone would take care of me when I was younger and look up to my difficulties. But I was always left alone with this. Nobody took responsibility for me.

When I look at my family, it all gets worse. I actually had this mild shutdown yesterday. Until I was 14 I lived in this scary big house. Understanding my family seems like a huge burden. I have a particular trouble with my father's side. His mother is an orphan, very passive, defensive woman full of anxieties, addicted to Diazepam her whole life. My grandfather, well, I never met anyone like this. He's verbally aggressive, shouting constantly, I mean, constantly. I've never heard him talk like a normal person. He offends everyone, is very one-sided. Whenever he would go for a shop, he would bother people who worked there, going on for ages at one topic, screaming. He keeps going on and on about one topic, it looks like mix of autism, ocd, maybe some mental illness. He took all of my grandmother's money, they stopped leaving the house and live in a dirt, obsessively saving money (don't use hot water, don't wash, don't clean). It gets even more hard to understand, when I look at his two brothers. One, who lived with us, was an alcoholic, to the point that they cut his legs off because of gangrene. He was also a deviant, an exhibitionist and psychotic. Half of the city knew our house because of him. When I was little, I was constantly being watched by my grandparents because of him, one day could barely go to school because he was running with an axe, believing he sees his dead mother. I heard family members talking of his "weird sexual behaviour" like it's nothing, nobody ever explained anything to me, I just remember I couldn't say a bad word about him. Then there's the third brother, a religious fanatic, very depressed, stopped leaving the house at some point of his life, but when I was little he worked at our house and I often talked with him. I remember that he was acussing people of some weird stuff. He has three daughters older than me, two very sociophobic, introverted, unhappy.

And yesterday my father came home and told us he met him because he needed a help with his car (at the time this uncle was leaving his house, he used to work on cars in his garage at that house) . And laughed, that he went totally schizophrenic too cause he started accusing my father and his father of sneaking into the garage (it was closed for many years and nobody had the key) and using it without his knowledge, because the boards were placed differently (they were not) than the last time he was using the garage. There was a huge conflict because of it.

And I got furious and started screaming that I don't want to be like them, that I have no future with that kind of upbringing, that my genes are f*cked. My father and mother just laughed at me.

Since I'm about 14/15 I live at a rented flat (two rooms) with my parents. And it's horrible. My father is starting to become just like his, constantly angry, very obsessive compulsive. He constantly offends everyone, throws his hatred at people, complains about his fate, dreams of leaving this family. He offends me without even noticing this. He counts every penny. When I tell him, like, "Will you drive me to the shopping centre" (I'm doing a room renovation, my own money, I told him I'll pay him to drive me. I have my own licence but I'm too anxious to drive, not very good at it and I fear to drive his car) he will start his speech about how much money we need to save, that I'm not working, just sitting there, what do we think, we don't live in a luxury and so we (me and my mother) wouldn't think that we wouldn't have to pay for him driving us etc, so that finally nobody wants to go. Then he tries to take it back, but it's too late.

I mean, I like my father cause he's funny, but I don't think he's a right person and I don't trust him. Mostly since I was 16 and he was about to punch me in the face with his fist, and then went like "You should be happy I didn't, you got me so pissed off".

And there's my mother, who only thinks of herself and can do nothing but offend him in return, show her anger in a child-like manner, slam the doors constantly, making pointless comments.