Mary Alice,
I can always promise honesty. I am glad I made you laugh a little. Idiot is not my choice of words but you get my point.
Ok, so everything was set up and you were ready to go but something got in the way. Your surgery was definately a reason to put plans on hold. But now it's done. You are pushing yourself like crazy to get back to work so you can buy the idiot cigs. Why not take 1/2 that energy and use it to make YOUR life better. Talk to your Doc's again. Get it set up.
You have 6 weeks. You won't solve all your problems but you can get a good start on getting your life in order.
Ok, so for the most part he is a good father despite the yelling. My mother was a good mother despite the yelling. I was yelled at alot. It did do damage to me. Does a good father abuse his sons mother? I think not. A good father shows his child how to treat a woman, a mother, a human being.
If your amazed sometimes by what your sons sees then really think about what he is seeing. Is it healthy for him?
He can still have his father and he will still remain close if you leave. Lots of kids have divorced parents. Its sad but it's life and sometimes it is necessary.
From what I see, you are paying most of the bills, doing most of the work and you can make it on your own with some help to get started. You have that. You have a good T who wants to help, you have us here to do whatever we can to get you thru this and you will be a the crisis center where you are safe and will get help to get started again.
You are here. Part of you is winning. There is a part of you who wants to live and there is a part of you that is strong. I know what it feels like to want to end the fight. To be so tired of just getting thru the day.
You are a person. You deserve a life, a good life. Your son deserves a stable home where he is loved and can grow, not just physically but emotionally. You can give that to him.
I see two very large obsticles for you. They are big, I won't pretend.. One is your back. I know your in pain. You've had your surgery and now are in recovery. Hopefully if you dont overdo it things can improve for you. I know recovery is hard. I had surgery myself last a year ago and the recovery (2 month of pain) was pure hell but it got better.
The second is your marriage. You know what I think there.
I truly believe that as your back starts healing and you remove yourself from this marriage you will see things very differently. Life will look different. You will see hope and possibilities. I truely believe that.
You are living on your own basically now except you have this huge life sucking leech on your back 24/7. Get him off and life will look so much lighter.
Heidu