I realized while i was sitting here pondering the futility of life... that i am a slave to fear. i was attending a 12 step group,but have not gone to it in 3 weeks ( just another failure in my eyes.) because digging into the past is just too painful. I couldn't allow myself to reach out to others and be vulnerable, because of my stubborn pride. so the pain was too much to bear and like a coward, instead of sticking with it, i gave up and walked away. I say I want to change, to grow, to improve; but my actions don't follow my words. My fears rule and continue to do so until I make the choice to deal with my past and not let it define me.... but how do i do that and not get lost in the pain or spend my time blaming those who hurt me without conscious knowledge? How do you acknowledge the past without blaming/getting lost? feeling so confused and tired right now.