Black-Roses, you recognized your pattern of self destructive behavior which is good. now work on changing the circumstances that encourage those impulses and see how to avoid giving into them. Your therapist can tell you and give you support groups. It is sort of like gamblers behavior. You want to believe everything you do will work out so you grab it and go for it. (((hugs))) You sound like such a nice person, be kind to yourself because you do deserve it! blessings and tc