thats all i been trying to do lately, just leave things alone and stop being an idiot.. whatever it is i dont wanna mess with it anymore you know

i don't really know where any programs could of came from.. im not entirely sure how they work but only know about the ones ive read about through curiousity many years ago like mkultra and stuff..
maybe i did it to myself...
can people program you by accident..? like just because of abuse without really intenting on creating programs?
i think im just trying to come up with excuses for a life full of shame and pain hehe..

after the abuse stopped ... i think... i started doing things to myself it seems.. trying to figure out everything.. i ended up in like a few cult groups but i dont think they could of done it because i was already having problems.. but maybe i did it to myself.. to keep myself from myself, or everyone... or maybe everything was just right for them to create themselves..
urgh, writing things like these sends me into a ... ii cant describe, some where in my mind and i just leave time and reality with no ability to really think but have these things go on in my mind -

why would i do this to myself, i feel so stupid...
hard to say anything about these kind of things because its just something that people wont belive...
i dont evn belive it... i was suposed to be smart, but some how... feel like my mind is trying to delete itself... confusing me... overloading parts so they shut down and reboot in safe mode.. run on low power so full systems cant operate... viruses killing programs to clean everything and fix problms... causing the problem to just spred and get worse and more confusing..

blah it sounds so dumb
why cant i just shut up and forget about everything you know?
tired of looking like an idiot
tired of being confused and lost...

i dunno whats wrong with me... im just tired i guess...
the mind playing jokes on me.. you know everytime that feeling happen before i was able to just say it because i was drunk or high... or because i just wanted to get drunk or high really bad... but now that im not really doing those things it just makes me feel like all i have ever done was make excuses for everything.. and it makes my head spin because its my whole life .. like it doesnt exist.. lies, many lies.. but i never wanted to lie... didnt mean to cause any problems
just wanted to get through the day without hurting was all... its so confusing when time feels like this, i dont think other people feel time like this... how can you live in so many times at once... it does make you just want to get drunk hehe

i dunno.. i cant remember anyone chanting things to me or .. whatever.. i just know i went through prolonged suffering where maybe i did it to myself trying to make things ok..? to seem ok.. i dunno.. i dont like thinking about it.... scares me..
having alot of flashbacks already so i shouldnt be so vague maybe..
i have a really hard time with time line / time scale or whatever.. my whole child hood was hard though... until the foster care and then.. well i dont really remember... i just know that they said i was a straight A student and stuff... and then when i went back home i just quit going to school in 6th grade because i didnt wanna deal with anyone or people or anything any more... looking back i feel so sad because i hurt so much but didnt know how to tell someone that things are not ok... because i was suposed to be stronger and able to hold my self together for my family to give everyone suport and strength and... whatever you know.. i lost it some where... and im only just now starting to realize it... i isolate so much feel so bad about not helping my family or atleast spending more time with people... but i cant do it... i just dont want to go through those ... things... i have to do when around other people... like to just hide in my room with myself because atleast some parts of me understand.. but no one in the real world does or probably ever can...
damnit

like... in 2011 i was really out of control.. not able to do what i wanted to do and just kept drinking and stuff doing what everyone else wanted me to do.. but the only thing i wanted to do was climb in the closet and hide from everything... so i guess thats why .. i let another part just do whatever.. but i started having problems, like when i started vomiting blood it pulled me way down and i was like what the hell ...
so whatever.. i tried talking to a GP and he said i was depressed and gave me celexa..
maybe one month i took it and i freaked one night i just flipped and was crying upset because i thought everyone thought i was crazy and i just dumped all the pills down the toilet .. maybe i was just drunk i dunno... but they realy hurt my feelings i remember...
i dunno why..
then in 2011-2012 i went back to a new one and he said i was depressed and had panic disorder... then i went to the clinic and they said i was bipolar, ptsd, gad, blablabla...
went there like 3½-4 years..
i quit going there because the doctor was a bloody jerk and wouldnt listen to me or take anything i said seriously... he seemed to know more about me than i knew about myself, telling me how the medicine made me feel and if it was helping me or not.. when i just kept telling him that no its not right and im really not feeling that much better and now having all these side effects and gaining weight on top of everything plus everyone here pestering me about quitting smoking weed and drinking because "its hurting me" ..... if it kept me alive for that long how it hurting me like that i dunno... those stupid pills they gave me didnt do anything but make me lose faith in the bloody system though.. and the way they treated me... like i was making things up or exaggerating things or malingering or whatever... i hate them...

whatever.. im pretty sure they never knew what was wrong with me..
think it is all the trauma... the psychologist i saw in feb said that it seems heavily psychological... and if i could work with a therapist i probably could sort things out... he also told me that i had severe mdd recurrent without psychotic features, adhd, gad, somatization... PTSD.. avoidant personality disorder traits / tendencies...
just thinking about my whole past, the way doctors treated/diagnosed me.. makes me shake my head... at the clinic i kept telling them to please test me for adhd and they wouldn't.. they said i was fine and that i dont have adhd but they would never talk to me about it... then i did the testing with the psychologist and he said yeah it looks like adhd... but now im just like i dunno, its probably not any of that either...
i just dunno... aim tired...

done rambling
sorry.. my brain isnt working very well...
sometimes feels like im talking backwards, or in circles...