Quote:
Originally Posted by SheHulk07
Part of me is angry, too, at him, and that we've been together 10 years and I've been letting this go on for a year now.
Anyway, I don't know what could make it easier to talk about with my T. We do talk about my self harm, and he usually asks where I've cut at. So I guess I can just slide it in if he asks next time. It's just very embarrassing for me because it's in such a private area.
He does know about the SA, we have been talking about it at every session lately. I really don't want him to tell me to see my gyn about it, though I already have an apt with my gyn in a few weeks and she knows I cut.
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My t only found out the location of the cutting because I was hospitalized for it (didn't realize how much damage I was doing)... there's certainly a lot of shame around it still, especially when someone new finds out and looks at me in disbelief. The three trauma t's/sexual assault therapists have never given me that look though. Actually, none of the t's I've told have, just the medical personnel if I had to get emergency treatment... Maybe writing it to t before hand, or talking about a different place to cut that is embarrassing to mention might open the door to the conversation? I'm still unable to say where I cut, but most t's have been good about figuring it out (relatively easily actually, which makes me believe it's more common than we may think)...
Don't be so hard on yourself about "letting" it go on for "so long". I'm sure there are many factors that play a role in it. I don't know your history or the quality of your relationship with h,i but for me, sa continued because it was 1)safer than fighting back or arguing, 2)what I was taught to do my whole life, 3)I was afraid, 4)it was one of the few times I could do something right with him... it can be really complicated. I hope you can find safety soon... glad you are addressing it in t.
If you have an ok relationship with your gyn, maybe it might not be a bad idea to talk to her about it? I dunno. It can be touchy. Every time I went to mine for help with it, I had done too much damage and it threatened my life. That scared her, so she hospitalized me. She hasn't seen me since at a time there was evidence of current cutting so I'm not sure if she would do it again were I to admit it again to her. Most medical professionals get really scared by it and jump to drastic conclusions. Perhaps talk to your gyn abut the sa, and leave the sh piece out unless you need medical attention for it? I don't often advocate deliberately avoiding that stuff with providers, but if she'd act counterproductiveLy, then it might be better just to deal with it in therapy. Having a history of sa, it's especially difficult to be forced into an exam with a random provider... sorry, that's probably more anxiety- inducing than helpful :/ hopefully t won't force you to seek medical attention for it if you do end up talking about it...