I just came from my session. It was okay considering I was away for so long. I asked if she's ever going to make me quit and she said no. She hopes that one day I will decide on my own that I don't need her but if I want to see her for the rest of my life, she would not kick me out.

She suggested trying to journal instead of emailing but said it's just a suggestion. She understands that I do it to stay connected. She asked if there's anyone else I could talk to about my session instead, so of course I said "this forum" and maybe 1 or 2 others. So maybe I will try this week. But it means I have to say what we started talking about which is embarrassing. Oh, and she did not tell her daughter to make her blog private.

The last 15 minutes were about how I hate the way I look, and I showed her my recent "fat photos". Of course she suggests losing weight but that's very hard for me. I'm trying. I told her I feel inferior to her. I mentioned that despised anatomy word "breast" more than once. She looked good today, no glasses, and that made me feel more self-conscious. I asked how could she love me if I look so horrible but she said loving me has nothing to do with appearance. I am not so overweight but I look like I am. She said something about not slouching, not in a critical way. She's never mentioned that before though I have.

I wish my T weren't so thin and pretty. Actually I am pretty too but I don't see that in most photos. I have wanted to talk directly about my appearance for a long time now, and the associated topic of shame and inability to ask my mother something about anatomy. My T always thinks talking about my brother is more important. Not true! She said we will start out with this next time.

I'm a mess of feelings now. Mostly shame. I hope that posting will let me try the experiment of not emailing her for as long as I can. I told her it feels like death, not emailing. She thinks my attachment style growing up was disorganized, and that having her as a secure attachment person in my life is what's going to help me. Talking about my feelings toward her is always welcome in the session.

She hopes I will find a partner with whom I will be able to get more of my needs met. I didn't have that with my H.

This session unleashed a lot. I still need therapy and I need my T. I didn't like all of her ideas, which is why advice isn't usually given in therapy, and she doesn't know how hard it is for me to lose 20 pounds. That's all I need to lose.

I got past the need to tell T the good and bad about the session by writing this. I can still email. I can experiment another week, or not. Again, she made sure I knew that she's not taking anything away from me! Sorry this is so long.

I didn't put the thumbs up icon on this thread. Don't know how it got there!

T suggested I wear flowing, long clothes when I said I don't like tight tops. I didn't like her saying that. So I wish I could email her that now. Waiting a week to tell that is why it's hard for me. We didn't do SE today. She usually doesn't give me this much advice but I've never exploded so strongly about hating the way I look.