I just need to vent a bit and maybe if anyone has been through this, they could provide some insight? (I don't see my Shrink for another 3 weeks.)

I know I'm getting a lot better because I'm co-conscious (or whatever the term is) and almost always aware that I have DID. (For years in therapy I'd "forget" that I had this diagnosis.) I feel like all parts of me are always present to some extent, instead of being completely split off/compartmentalized like they were before. For example, years ago I would go to work and be "Work Me" so I could do the job fearlessly and completely forget I have DID. Now when I go to work I'm usually "Work Me" but my scared/abandoned child part is also there, making ME feel scared too. I feel the child's fear and I'm afraid I will spontaneously burst into tears etc. I have learned to soothe that part of me and let her know that I have it under control, but it's still a challenge, not knowing when/if she'll act out/take over my emotions.

I have a third part, as well, which I don't have a name or age for but is more so my *****y/protector teen alter. That part seems to take over SO often lately, and I only used to see glimpses of that self- when I would self-injure etc. It's my evil side.

I know that to reach some sort of peace in my system I need to soothe the scared child- that I'm getting better at- and I know that as my healthy, new adult self, I can be amazing in this world. But the thing is, the "teen" part of me literally does NOT want to be in this world. When I feel that part take over, I HATE the world. I hate being here. I resent my Shrink for making me more aware of this disorder and more "healed." I just wish I could go back to being dissociated, on my happy cloud of ignorance. I can speak of it objectively now because I feel a bit removed, but when I'm deep in it, I AM that teen self and really do hate being alive.

I feel REALLY stuck. What do you do when a part of you literally does not want to live? Maybe I still want to live, just not in this reality. I just keep drugging myself with Klonopin because I don't want to be here.