Hello all. I never thought I would ever signup to one of these sites, But I've hit a wall.. again...for the millionth time. Sorry for my lack of introduction. Just very recently, I was required to undergo an evaluation. It was extremely short and not very thorough, But I don't think it needed to be. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and it makes sense. For the past 10 years or so (I am a 24 year old male), I've been balancing on my happiness, Always holding on but not fully pulling myself back up. I was prescribed Wellbutrin XL 150mg and I've only been taking it for about 2 weeks. Now, I am NOT a fan of pills or medication and that's why it has taken this long to get on them, But I've reached a point in my life where I am desperate to feel AWAKE or HAPPY or CONFIDENT or whatever i'm searching for. I honestly can't remember the last time I was happy... For anybody willing to read this, Let me give you a background into my past to maybe give understanding.. I apologize if this is too long to read. If it is, Scroll to the bottom and I'll leave just a short description of my concerns. And Also thank you for any replays, Good or Bad. I just need to get this off my chest because I've about reached my end with ALL of this.


My parents divorced when I was about 7 or 8. My parents maintained a good relationship. I was distant from my dad but only in miles. He would visit and call on the phone. As much as it sucked and it made me sad sometimes, I had sort of an understanding even at that young age of it. I'm the youngest of 3, My brother was a douchebag to me always, and my sister grew up like any other girl does, Moody (lol).

I was a happy kid, doing fairly well in school without really trying. I was a typical class clown, With quite a lot of friends in elementary and middle school. You could say I was a skater kid in my later years. I'd be outside and with friends a lot, Mostly skateboarding, And i'd have the occasional girlfriend, even though that doesn't mean anything when you're that young. My hobbies are playing drums, video games. Typical stupid bs.

I had a GREAT memory and I think I was really bright honestly, Even though I didn't like school much. Then I started smoking pot and smoking cigarettes around the age of 13 or 14. I knew cigarettes were stupid but I got hooked on them. Pot was just fun and I just being a kid.

My depression started when I dropped out of school in the middle of 7th grade. My reason for dropping out was I felt I could do it on my own. At that age, You can safely assume I wasn't using my time wisely. I would get high on the weekends, I would play computer games ALL night (no life). I formed a lot of bad habits in this time. The fun lasted about a year. I still saw my friends, But as time went on, They were moving forward and I wasn't. Pot started making me anxious and uncomfortable, and overthink everything. When I would hang out with them, They would talk about school and stuff. New people they met, girls etc etc. And I didn't know where I fit in that. I felt jealous, I knew I made a mistake. I was embarrassed. I felt like a ghost at times. Always the new guy in a way.

As time went on it got worse, My habits, my hatred for myself grew, and I started to withdraw. I tried to go back to school, But they wouldn't let me (idk why, Probably related to money).

I feel stupid, I feel out of shape, I feel ugly, I feel boring, I feel like all around garbage. Suicide was on my mind all the time, And ever since. Video games, Movies, and stupid habits were my only distraction. It became my life. I started drinking around 17, and that became another layer on the cake. I knew I had become a loser, and even though I knew what I should do to help myself, That was always for tomorrow.

I moved around the time I was supposed to graduate in hopes to have a fresh start. Be a new place and pick up the pieces, But ofcourse my problems just traveled with me. I eventually got a job and worked hard, But my coworkers and friends saw an anger, weakness, and negativity in me, And ofcourse nobody wants to be around that, And that is understandable.

I've always had a plan to fix myself, by myself, with no medication. I would work REALLY hard at my job, and proud that I have that trait in me.

My goals include: Going to school, getting a good job, get in shape, get a girlfriend (GOD am I lonely..) Better my MIND in anyway that I can, Get better at my hobbies, Learn to do new things.

JUST MAKE MYSELF PERFECT (impossible I know) (I'm a perfectionist).

But life doesn't work out like you plan, and apart from my own laziness and lack of drive, Financial problems and medical issues plague my life and family, And when something goes wrong with me, no matter how small, its a huge.


Basically, It feels my mind can't take anymore stress or depression or whatever the hell it is.. I feel no drive, I forget things, My memory is shot, and school seems impossible to me, as well as forming relationships with people.. At my current job I watch people chat with ease while I work my *** off and get treated as just a worker, Not one person has ever asked a single thing toward getting to know me, and when I do talk people don't seem very interested at all. People say I'm too hard on myself and I agree... I just can't take anymore of this and my limit has been reached..,

I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Basically long story short.. Have I ruined my life, My brain, my body and my future? Should I be on more medication? ( and if someone has experience with this please replay about it) I really don't want and I don't see the point in counseling.. I already have a lot in perspective. I just want to move on and get back on track
And regarding medication, The only time I do feel outgoing and comfortable is when I have been drinking, If that gives someone an idea...

Also, I apologize if my writing is very elementary and drawn out, I notice it also. Thank you for any replies.