hey... welcome...
its true.. medicine will just give a little boost... like a cane or crutch helps you get around when you need extra support...
i understand what you are feeling a bit... i am 26 years old but age doesnt really matter i think...
depression can make you feel all those things... sometimes it might not even feel like depression at all...
i too struggled with wanting to take any medicine or talk about any problems...
but actually talking with a profesional can be much better than the medicine..
where we think we know and understand exactly whats going on and how we feel... they can show us where we neglect to see and feel... to help us heal and recover the damage to move forward into recovery to have a better life...
therapy isnt always just about talking about problems.. they also work with you to teach you techniques and methods and things to do to learn to cope with things.. how to handle the depression and anxiety.. healthy ways to deal with things... without turning to drugs or alcohol... self harm or anything more damaging... because the drugs and alcohol and harm will lead to more guilt... shame... withdrawal... and increase the overall symptoms... i cant take back the things i have done.. and i know i have to learn to accept things... in order to heal things...

its important to take care of yourself... treat yourself well, even though you might feel dont deserve it...
i would really consider therapy for everyone.. but especially when the problems start at younger age... because we havent had the time to develop ourselves so well at younger ages...
even though we think we did, and that we were fine and all that..

i dont think you ruined your life... i am a bit of a perfectionist as well... although probably cant tell it anymore...
whats important is for us to remember that things happened in the past... those things happened... they are not happening and dont have to happen or continue to happen and we can make a change... we have to work for it though and accept the change.. sometimes when you are depressed for a long time you become fearful of not being depressed i think... because all you know is the depression and its scary to think about what we would be without it..
but we would still be us... just a cleaner happier healthier version...

we all have regrets... but its not the regrets we should focus on... but how we can use the regrets to accomplish what we truly desire in the future...
if we didnt make mistakes we wouldn't know what we really wanted... now you know what you want, so you have to run after it and fight for it ...
it helps to have good doctor and a good therapist to help you along the way...
the medicine can help take the edge off while you work through the emotional problems.. just i think we shouldnt' think about the medicine as a cure, because it doesnt fix the problem.. it just covers it up a little so we can deal with it on an easier level...
your happiness is whats important...

btw.. maybe talking with some folks here could be helpful for you too...
there is nothing wrong with chatting here... no one is going to attack you... we promise...