Last night's session was really weird...
I'm not sure I know how to describe it. I think it might have been insomnia-induced psychosis or something. T and I were talking about the csa, and I checked out pretty quickly. I know I have aspects of myself that I've compartmentalized. I cycled through a bunch of those parts last night when talking to her.
And talking about it all was confusing. Towards the end, I just felt this huge crushing sadness. I put that away really fast too...
T keeps acknowledging that most of my csa memories are contained in "trauma bubbles" that sometimes come up, but yesterday was the first time so much of it came boiling to the surface.
I dunno. I'm not sure what to make of it all. It was loud in my head the whole time too. There were thoughts that were closer to me, and ones that were more detached... many were really conflicting.
We talked a bit more about the one and only aspect of myself I have zero connection to. I know she's just a container I built around the scarier stuff. I'm aware she's a construct of my head. But I couldn't speak her name yesterday. It was like the first time I was telling another t about her. It felt like speaking her name would invoke her... though I'm pretty sure she is gone. All that's left is a feeling of terror (the same one I know I built her around to cushion it)... but if she's gone, why am I so afraid? And I know she's not real, but then why can I only talk about her as if she were?
Yeah. Psychosis, that's it. Yup...
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Maybe trying to make sense of some confusion? I dunno.