10 years almost 11 and I can still get triggered....

I think im doing ok lol ok yep running myself into the ground - not taking care of my diabetes - financailly screwed till i die

but i try to breathe - takea step at a time

and then - triggered and everything falls apart
TEN FRIKKIN YEARS

MY SISTER SAID DONT YOU WISH YOU HAD HAD KIDS SO THEY COULD HELP YOU AND SEND FLOWERS ON MOTHERS DAY - she had had one or two lol

I said I have helped raise all my brother and sisters kids got up in the middle of the night and fed them changed their nappies - helped out with all of them

i have always stood alone - decided not to have kids cos of my bad blood - another story for another forum lol I DECIDED THAT

i dont regret it

she drinks and she turns the knife in me - then makes me feel bad for being upset - i know how it works

she and her husband (abusive) used to drink and get in afight and scream at the kids or keep them up all night - i would put them to bed if i was there - then he would get them up even if they had school cos he needed company grrrr

I know what its like for a kid to live with shouting and screaming and fighting

now she rings me and slurry voice - oh woe is me - and I want to tell her to F*** off but i cant i have to stay calm on the phone - she talks suicide- asks me why she souldnt for the 100th time - this time i say i really cant think of a reason why... she is shocked..i know she doesnt mean it - ive been to that place and she isnt there ..

so she rings my bro who is dieing of a heart condition and cries on his shoulder - he is in the UK 50,000 miles away - he texts me - my sis over there texts me - take care of your sis lololol if they only knew...

and im sad and angry and wish i could not be here - not suicidal just want to not exist - diabetes will take care of that lol

and i lose it at work because the other person wont stop talking while im trying to write a report and i lose the report and she is all - oh did you do this - well DER I do know what to do its your prattling that made me lose it -

but you cant just say shut up

so I shoutOMG can i just finish this - then i feel bad for losing it ....

get really sad because it will never be over - then angry at myself

nothing changes - i dont learn - I HATE THIS!!!