could be triggering ............. could be triggering ......

never really felt like this before ... not depressed but have those painful feeling ... but this time they are directed outward ... not self destructive but wanting to kick some ****** ... maybe run someone over with the truck ... been noticing women on the curbs and sizing them up ... had a real strong urge yesterday to grab this especially well built one .... and throw her in the back ...

I feel very stable just "borderline psychopath" ... no kidding it feels I need to be this way ... propositioned a customer today ...
but we have known each other for years and she laughed it off ... but I was serious ...

so very out of my nature ... I am always in total control ... never go off the rails ... a role model for all mankind ... haha ...

don't feel hyper or hypo ... in fact don't feel up or down ... energy level is low ... and I am clear headed ... at least when distracted by work .... withdrawing more than usual ....

started doxepin 4/28 maybe that's why ... or maybe this IS my stable as I feel very calm and at peace ... very relaxed ... just want to smash something ... don't know why ... just seems natural .... not nervous or anxious just the way it should be ... just the facts ....

it's a little bit concerning .... really want to give this new stuff an honest run ... want to stay on it maybe even increase it ..... been oked to do that ... mr complient ...

you guys know my ways ... just like to see it in print helps me make it real somehow ... not really seeking input ... just needed to tell someone who won't rat me out to the cops ...

when I was younger (30 plus) years ago I was the "avenging angel" of the lord just driving around heavily armed looking for trouble ....maybe that is the real me ... maybe I going back there ... second childhood kind of stuff .....

have no fear I am an old toothless tigger and pretty sure I can keep a lid on this ... but it feels so damn good ....

I actually feel at peace ...