probably a triggering post... my mind is a mess so im sorry..

letting people see me act like this or say these things, even though its online and you all dont know me, is really embarrassing..
i hate attention.. but i do want to get better.. atleast gain some control

im just being faced with a problem that i was noticing when i first started treatment with the clinic.. they wanted me to try to identify triggers, you know.. i was like sure i can try to pay attention and see whats goin on, cause of course i never pay attention..
so i tried really hard back then, obviously i have some of the classic triggers..
but i noticed then that it was really difficult to identify ANY trigger most of the time.. like it was just coming from inside of me, trigger myself, but what brings it on..?
when everything is fine and you are just in lala land trying to relax and have some fun with your family, even enjoying yourself ..?
its been happening ALOT now.. or maybe it has always been happening and because i dont pay attention to some things i cant realize it.. well, not cant but just choosing not to or something..
it just happens.. i dunno if there is a such thing as a "dissociative flashback" but its what it feels like.. the sexual abuse ones wont leave me alone... and new ones keep coming
i dunno why they took advantage of someone so vulnerable.. i dunno why i was so vulnerable, or why i didnt make it not happen..? feel like i could of run away or done anything to stop it...
i have other flashbacks too but the SA ones are predominant.. usually atleast...
maybe because the violence and stuff in the home was more disturbing and easier to block out...

i've kept trying to figure out these things that trigger me ever since i started looking for help.. but its just like it wants to come out of me and i just push it away and hide it in my mind.. but it keeps popping up on its own and i dunno how to really handle it...
i wanna stop feeling those things and seeing those things and... i dont want to believe it happened, you know, i want to make it go away... i disconnect myself a great deal, but it hurts on different levels.. its more than hurts, its destroying me.. how can i feel like a man..? how can i feel clean, not disgustting or useless or worthless.. so pathetic... those things are so demeaning... so damaging... and yet its like it was just another life, everywhere i look its like it never happened, but im so stuck and trapped... i know i will have to deal with it some day and trying to push it away and hide from it wont help.. but i just cant do this right now you know..?
i already feel pathetic not being able to take care of myself.. having these kind of things pop up and making me feel like a bloody dumb stupid grrrr.... its ruining everything!

blah.. not that there is much left to ruin... just my fantasy... that nothing ever happened... and i dont want to leave yet... i dont want to accept things... i dont want it to be me... i dunno why i let those things happen... but i couldnt do anything.. it even feels like maybe i enjoyed it... but i keep feeling that scared feeling... no i dont want to do this i can hear.... please be over soon... why am i doing this... why is this happening... this isnt real..
you know those things... probably lots of things, i just dont want to hear it i dont want to see it or feel it i wanna make it not happen but i dont know how to go back and stop it..
i dunno what was wrong with me... what is wrong with me i mean

i used to call this stuff internal conflict.. because it seems like im being pulled in so many directions sometimes... but im just empty alot anymore... im indifferent and the memories and flashbacks and other things are all thats left of me...
i dont know how to explain being empty its just not me, but i know that it has to be me.. but i have a really hard time remembering things until the flashbacks bring it up... and if it calms down ill go back to my place, if people would leave me alone i could stay there... where everything is fine.. where those things dont matter, but its not possible.. drugs and alcohol helped for years but its not feasible for me to behave like that... and i would like to take care of my body more... and not hurt myself because i have been hurt enough.. and not rely on drugs to block everything... its just so nice not having to deal with any of it though you know... but i dont want people to think im a drug addict, or actualy be a drug addict/alcoholic.. because people think enough things about me already... and drugs and alcohol just gives them an excuse to preach... like i just need to go to church and find god in my life and stop doing alcohol and drugs and i will be just fine... because i have demons inside of me that want to take me to hell or something i dunno..
clearly i dont believe that.. although i do feel like a demon sometimes.. other times an angel... other times.. well i feel like a lot of things.. :x
i just dont think simply going to a church is going to cure me.. and i have already practically quit drinking all together, i'll have a few once a month maybe.. and i dont do anything else so obviously getting the substance use / self medicating undercontrol wont cure me...
its just easy for people to say thats what my problem is i guess... and that im lazy and dont want to work and just wanna play video games or read or sit in my room all day and sleep without interacting with anyone because im lazy or something...

um.. i dunno what im saying, i think i got off topic
sorry

anyway.. i just dont understand why im being triggered by seemingly nothing..?
after some minutes after the stuff comes to the surface i can somewhat push it away and pretend like everything is fine and forget all about everything again until it happens again, it just that its been happening a great deal ultimately.. and sometimes in such rapid succession that it really messes me up.. sometimes seems like a bunch of it all at once even..
im telling myself that its probably because i've been running from things for so long its just tired of me ignoring who i am and what happened to me.. is that plausible?
my life has changed a lot .. i think in the past year..? i mean moved.. sister had a baby and all of my brothers moved out and have wifes now and are having kids and... it seems like im stuck in the past... and im confused why everyone is moving ahead while i seem to be stuck.. but my "normal" is like being outside of everything, outside of time, outside of experience.. i dont really get to remember things, so i cant be like ahh what a good day it was today, i enjoyed some video game and a good movie and even ate "this"!
because i cant remember anything i do during the day, besides the things that are like routine and i dont even really remember that i just assume its what ive been doing because its what i usually do you know..?
i cant remember the weeks... or months/years... sometimes ill look at the calendar a few times a day to see what day or month it is but usually i just dont look at it at all because it annoys me not being able to stay in "today" i guess... or maybe looking at the calendar messes up the illusion so i avoid it, i dunno honestly..

im just really hurt... and sometimes i feel so afraid because i dont really know whats wrong with me or whats happening to me or whatever..
but its driving me crazy because i feel like theres a part of me that enjoys this, that im suffering and its trying to drive me crazy by telling me things like im making it all up and.. im just exaggerating things.. and i feel like its laughing at me... because i keep making myself look stupid and acting like a fool on these forums...

its just im too afraid to even try to talk to any of my family about anything ... and even if i wasn't afraid i dont want to talk to any of them because i dont want to hurt them, or want them to blame themselves... you know what i mean..?
because they suffered enough too i think and if they can move on from it then thats good... i dont want to drag anyone down with me...
plus im used to being alone... but im never really alone because im always there, and i feel safer when im alone.. scared of judgement and being hurt and... stuff...

but i dont always behave like that because i have to hold appearances and make people think that i am fine and normal you know..?
but it sucks because people only know those other faces and i wont let anyone close to me to even try to help.. seems like when they do try to help and i accidently let someone too close i will just stop it by changing everything, so im really scared that someone is going to find me writing on these forums and see that im not that calm cool guy that is able to make everyone happy...
i dunno, i just wish i could fix things, i want to be myself but i dunno which i am anymore .. that just makes you wanna get high you know?
i want people to like me but i know they would treat me different if they knew the real me... so i guess i hide all the bad things... well as well as i can, sometimes i lose control and stupid stuff happens - like getting ready to kill someone or running around without a shirt on acting like a pimp or something weird.. i never take my shirt off because of scars you know so :x but whatever..
i dunno why i try to hide things anymore, people probably already think im super crazy

atleast i feel like im really crazy... how can anyone feel like this, how is this possible?
why on earth did i think that it was a normal feeling and that everyone experiences these things?
i remember when i was younger asking others about it and they all told me it was normal.. that i just think alot... but i dont think its natural to have so many pathways going in different directions at the same time.. atleast since i started thinking about it again recently it doesnt seem like other people do it, they seem fairly grounded and present in the moment.. where as i can just float around into different ... well.. i adapt to my surroundings i guess.. but i think everyone does that... it just makes me feel so bad sometimes... i think im living a lie... i think im a liar... but i dont try to be, i just try to make everything easy and fluid..
maybe its just the avoidant personality stuff the psych mentioned.. its not like im running around lieing blatantly about things to gain anything - i just try to fill in the gaps as much as i can and everyone knows better than to ask me about something i remember because i cant remember things- but i'll be screaming and crying inside and trying to calm my mind down and alot going on inside and someone will walk in to ask me something or whatever and i just turn around grinning or something and am just as calm ... able to deal with them before returning to the internal battle field
and its like why cant i tell someone whats happening to me?
is it just that i dont want help?
i think i have alot of confusion because of cognitive dissonance.. and the dissonance because... well i dont really know.. i dont understand why i cant understand, or what am i supposed to understand even..? im really lost and confused :/
sorry for not making much sense... the feeling of not knowing anything is sublime..?
i think that i somehow have gotten rid of all of my memories.. well not gotten rid of them but put them somewhere and im not sure where...
i guess im just writing this mainly to try to confront myself or something...

i cant say if its helping to write here or not because i cant remember how it was the other days.. i dunno if its getting worse or if its always been like this... i know the flashbacks are getting worse though, god... i hate the flashbacks so much... i wanna forget so bad !!!


i dont want that stuff to happen to me... but it keeps happening over and over and over and over.... in my mind...
i dunno what to do... i want a therapist but im afraid... afraid of what they will do to me... but im afraid of not doing it too... so i AM going to make myself do it... i just dunno if im ready for this...
the last therapist i had i cant remember what we talked about.. i think she just tried to help with anxiety... but im not really sure.. what if i try to do therapy again and i just cant remember things again and it just wont help...

im so tired, so so tired
weary from fighting.. but my enemies know everything about me and i know nothing about them...

sorry.. im gonna stop here - feels like maybe i have been writing for a few hours... but it probably wasnt a few minutes.. or maybe it was a few hours and it feels like a few minutes..?
i dunno... im confused.. sigh...

im blushing but i want help...
so throwing a hook in the pond, maybe the nice breeze will take my mind off the pain...

sorry... thanks...