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yes I do think she is trying to upset me so I get out but something inside me when that happens just makes me even more apathetic and feel even more powerless and not want to do anything.
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If I hadn't talked to my friend about this I probably wouldn't understand. For me when people tell me I can't do something, it makes me want to prove them wrong so I was shocked when my friend told me when someone told her she couldn't do something she just believed them & wouldn't be able to do it. For some people that reverse logic doesn't work but the people using it don't understand it's not working because it's NOT the way they think.
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I know when I was living on my own the confusion went away something about living alone gave me the breather and I felt like I had my confidence and my identity back.
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Maybe just play this over & over in your head & pretend that you are living alone & block out your mother.
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The conversation you report makes you sound about 12.
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This is soooo true. Again, if I hadn't seen my own mother act like a child again around her own mother (my grandma) I wouldn't have understood that some mothers can have that effect on their children especially one's like my own mother who had such an extreme lack of self-confidence. It's like my mom's mom just triggered her lack of self-confidence to be worse & not better when she was around her mom.
It's not ok to have this excuse for one's bad behavior because we are responsible for making our own choices & having our own thoughts
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I just feel like a retard that can't do anything but when I do make my bed and take care of my room that belief seems to go away. I guess I just have to tell the voices in my head that is all lies and just get to cleaning. Persistence pays off.
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You are right. You are the only one who can control your thinking & it does take doing it over & over to change those neuropathways in your brain that been created to think those wrong thoughts.
I always fought with my mom & parents. I remember one time resolving that I was no longer going to act like that. I did find until the time when my Mom continued to act in the way that continued to trigger me to fight with them & there went my best laid plans but that was back when I was in junior high & just starting to grow up.
Do you have a therapist who can help you work on these issues? If not, it might be a good idea to get one who can help you. Maybe if you tell your mother that it will help you to be the kind of person she's wanting you to be so she will be in support of you getting a good therapist. You definitely NEED TO GROW UP because your thinking & your actions are very childish & sadly, surroundings will trigger that kind of behavior & it helps to have a good therapist who can guide you out of the mode if thinking you seem stuck in.