I am confused on your concept of judgement. If someone is mistreating or using you, I don't see how and why you would refer to acknowledging that fact as judgement.

I guess it comes down to perspective. I don't feel used or mistreated. I feel compassion. When she does something that could be perceived as "negative" instead of choosing to feel hurt. I see that she is hurt and acting out in some way. At that point, calling her out on it will only cause more dissonance. Instead, letting it go, helps me grow by looking inward and also creates a space where she may or may not use to grow in.

By this logic the only way is to live is to be submissive and accepting bad treatment as anything other than that could be viewed as judgement. I am
not sure what you mean by what you say about others is a reflection of you.

I guess it could be perceived as submissive. To me it's more about being present. When I slow down the chatter in my head (ego) and run the circuitry of my right brain and am in the moment, my perspective changes entirely. Everything just "is", no right or wrong, no good or bad, no judgement.

You know that feeling when you see an awesome sunset? Or maybe you're by the ocean? Usually it happens when i am in nature. Everything slows down, the chatter in your head stops and you just observe what "is" with no commentary (ego). You drop into "the moment", there is this beautiful stillness to it. It's a great feeling right? A feeling of oneness with everything. What if we could live our lives feeling that way most or all of the time?

Sure if you go around gossiping about random people it's bad but acknowledging the fact that someone is doing mean things isn't reflection of you whatsoever.

The mean things she "did" to me, no doubt could be an excuse to respond in some way. My usuals would be, anger, jealousy, rage, abandonment, withdrawl etc., all feelings of fear. I certainly do not like to feel these types of feelings. Simply put, they do not feel good to me. I'd rather feel joy, happiness, wholeness etc., feelings of love.

So instead of judging whoever it is and moreover, placing blame on them for MY feelings. I take responsibility of how I feel. In this particular case I was still in blame mode and was searching for answers so my ego could be satisfied that I was "right." In the process of doing research to prove to myself right. I wanted to label her a narcissist or bpd. When reading about npd and bpd I saw a lot of myself. But moreover I just saw someone who was suffering. Am I to meet their suffering and cause more? Instead I choose love. I have no desire to be a doormat. Nor do I desire to be a martyr. I simple want to be present. And when I am, I simply feel more peaceful. Hope that makes sense.

You have kids. Would you teach them that accepting bad treatment is a good thing because it's the right way to live?

I try to teach them acceptance, tolerance. And if someone is mean to them at school. I try to teach them to be compassionate about it. And to appreciate what they have.

Do you think you deserve bad treatment or you never observe truly nice relationship? You don't need to judge but where is the enjoyment in being treated badly?

Lol, no doubt, I don't like being treated badly! But again, it really depends on where my head is at. When i am calm and more in the moment than I am in my head. Life is pretty easy, nothing really bothers me. There is acceptance that everything just "is." It's when I am fully in my head that there is trouble and dissonance to spare. I feel we have a choice in which way we want to feel. I prefer to feel calm and be in the moment. it's just easier for me. Life is WAY less complex and better yet, it feels good. It's a conscious choice.

It seems that you spend several posts defending bad behavior and pretty much saying it is the only way to live. I just really disagree with it. Have you not met nice women who would treat you well?

I'm not sure if I am defending bad behavior. Maybe I am just tolerant of it? There have been times in this relationship where I was not. I pushed back and wanted to be right. It just caused me suffering and pain. Of course I want to be treated well and there are many times she does. At times she has been extraordinarily kind and thoughtful.

You mentioned peace but one can have peace in a good relationship. Do you believe you need to be treated badly in order to be peaceful and content ? Why?

I believe the only way to have peace is within. That no relationship could ever give me that. I guess since I have taken responsibility for my feelings and no longer hold her to "making me happy", things have smoothed out. Allowing things to just be as they are and not trying to resist, surrendering, seems to be working for me. I don't know. I just feel more peaceful inside.