Old T. I just don't know about this. I think I was better off before, without the knowledge that what I needed could have been provided for by you if you had been allowed. No one will ever be you and I don't know if it works with anyone else. You did well to help me out of that black hole but maybe we should have just left it there hey. Really not sure about this. I either want to go back on the drugs, pack a bag and escape to Fiji or just not be here anymore. I don't want to go on this way but I cannot see a way out at the moment and I don't trust anybody to lead me. I feel trapped and constricted yet so totally alone. This is crazy that my only outlet for all of this is a message board. I wonder if you have ever experienced that feeling in your life when you are falling down, deeper and deeper and tou are desperately searching all around you a rope, a foothold, anything to stop you from falling and there is nothing, no-one that you can trust will be there. I wonder. There are people, I know there are but I cannot trust them. The only person I ever trusted was you and now you are bing taken away from me. S*** the realisation is killing me today but I will not bother you any more. If you ask how it is going on Wednesday I will tell you truthfully that I am still incredibly unsure and that it is like being back on that rollercoaster but that the only option is to keep trying, so that is what I shall do. I can't make this better on my own, it doesn't work like that, not for me, not for this problem. I just wish that this could have been different.