I don't know what is happening, but I am out of control as of late - or almost.

A couple of weeks ago, I flipped out for no reason. I was calm until I was given an assignment at work, and then I went beserk. In my head, I started ranting and raving about everything - how the world is unfair, you can't trust anyone, there's too many games to play in the world, people treat you like *****, etc. I got so riled up, that I wanted to cry but I couldn't. When I got home, I cut myself five times. They were shallow cuts, but the fact that I hurt myself for the first time in nearly 10 years is something.

I told my psychiatrist, who ordered me to the ER. There, I was evaluated and diagnosed with depression and general bipolar.

I have been feeling very stressed and emotional as of late. At first, I thought it was my menstrual cycle causing extreme PMS. But now, it seems like my biochemistry is out of whack. I take Abilify 5 mg to regulate my emotions, and my psychiatrist amped it up to 7mg. Looks like I might need 10 or so. I've ben flying into rages over the slightest things. Today, anyone who bumped into me on the streets I nearly cursed out, or muttered "retarded a**hole" or the like. I'm a walking hurricane now!

Also, I have been emotionally distressed. Last year, I was the target of vicious gossip and slander, and to this day, I don't feel comfortable around certain people in my social group. I don't know who said what, but I know someone slandered me (probably because I was having a hypomanic episode and was acting oddly) and now I don't feel comfortable around the people I suspect slandered me. Yeah, I shouldn't let this bother me and I should move on, but they haven't. That's probably why I am being triggered. I'm still living the ramifications of that slander. I am seriously considering leaving this social group, which won't be easy because I've been so involved and grown a lot with them. But maybe this is a clear sign that I need to move on.

Anyway, anyone know what is going on or can relate? How can I calm down? I'm going crazy!

I'm seeing my therapist on Monday. I might need to take a leave of absence from work too if I need to calm down.