I have been stressed for many months waiting for the VA to rule on my application to increase my disability. It has caused my anxiety to run rampant as well as my psychosis.
Today started out okay with a pdoc appointment. I need more blood work before my primary doc will try hormone replacement therapy, which sucks but my shrink thinks it might help me. He is more optimistic as I am as my low testosterone seems to be a new thing and I have had MH issues for 21 years. But even the possibility of a little more energy is good news. Then things got weird, I overshared on a few psychotic episodes and he started asking questions like "Do you own a weapon", "Does the thought of killing yourself make you happy". I have never been asked those. Plus he doubled the dosage of my antipsychotic. Okay, not a great morning but for me it wasn't bad. He is still keeping electric shock off the table,pending the lab results.
I get home and I check the status of my disability claim. It is complete and they rated me 100% permanent and total disabled.
That is the best news I could have gotten. I no longer have to donate plasma to eat, which is the best part of it. I am so psycho I can't get through job interviews much less concentrate more than 4 hours a day.
Unfortunately, it is making me feel like a bigger loser than I already am. It is like getting an official loser brand on my forehead. This is the VA definition for 100% rating for mental health disorders:
Quote:
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Total occupational and social impairment, due to such symptoms as: gross impairment in thought processes or communication; persistent delusions or hallucinations; grossly inappropriate behavior; persistent danger of hurting self or others; intermittent inability to perform activities of daily living (including maintenance of minimal personal hygiene); disorientation to time or place; memory loss for names of close relatives, own occupation, or own name
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Not only did I meet that criteria, the VA said it was permanent. That is pathetic. I have read that quote dozens of times today and just makes me feel worse and worse. I know writing this might upset some people, I know how difficult it is to struggle on a low income and have crushing mental illness. I have been living like that for years and I hesitate posting this because of that. I am still not wealthy of course, but I can finally afford to eat without getting a huge needle shoved in my arm twice a week.
At least my compulsion to saw off my feet has gotten much weaker over the past weeks. That is something I suppose.
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PDD with Psychotic Features, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - No meds, except a weekly ketamine infusion