hmm...

i don't have much experience with relationships. mostly just 'arrangements' or 'encounters' or similar. and... not that many of those either... this relationship thing is hard for me. not really sure what it is supposed to be about... how it is supposed to go...

i think mr man is quite shy about his body. i'm quite shy about my body too, so i understand that. but i've never met anybody who was more shy than me! and i don't really understand why he is shy... i mean... he does martial arts and running and yoga and so he is in pretty good shape (better shape than me and i'm really self conscious about my flabby thighs and tummy!).

but he does seem to be really shy... he told me a couple things about him before we fooled around... kinda to assess my reaction, i think. one was... something about how he is quite hairy... (looked embarrassed) but how he doesn't have a hairy back. i was like... lol... its okay. whatever. i really don't mind... (though the happy coincidence is that i'm really not sure how i find hairy backs but i actually really like him just the way he is. i mean... i'm a kinda hairy person myself - though i remove it all - and it feels nice to me that he is hairier than me... makes me feel more feminine).

and so a couple things like that. so i guess part of it is about his being shy / self conscious about his body. another part of it... is that i did freak out a little one day. talked to him about it and it went okay. but he knows about some of my mental health history... and he was a bit thoughtful about that... and he said that having a realtionship with me would be complicated... and i said (as part of my freak out) that i needed things to go slower. and he was terrific about that. really very respectful. and then... precisely because of how respectful he was i wanted things to go faster. and he seemed... reluctant. kinda. okay with pleasing me. but not really okay with me touching him. when i sort of asked him how come he would say 'too intimate'.

and i feel... a bit puzzled. i've never been in a situation where another person wanted me to slow down. usually they are trying to get me to move faster. i hope i'm not being victim to gender roles, here... but maybe i am.

i guess... i worry a little that he wanted to have a little fun and then realised that i couldn't really do that (because of my history it could hurt me very much). but... i don't think that is it. he is really very sweet... i keep checking that he does want to talk on the phone - and he does. and i keep checking that he does want me to visit him - and he does. and he emails me sweet little notes. and he has sent me stuff. so... i think he really is very genuine with liking me... i just find it hard to know what 'too intimate' means... doesn't he find me sexually attractive? (he seemed to - he just didn't want me following up on that). is he scared of intimacy? he doesn't seem to have trouble with emotional intimacy...

maybe... it is just about being sure. i guess we have had more emotional intimacy recently with our phone conversations. he is getting to see that i don't freak out ALL the time. he is getting to see that i'm not demanding that he talk to me or give me attention. he is getting to see that i can be soothing and validating to him and that he CAN talk to me about stuff. including... his past relationships... where he is at with his thoughts about work... we can talk about money (or lack thereof) etc etc. getting to see how similar / complimentary we are, i guess.

he is a bit older than me... here we go with the stereotypes again... but i think that sex does become more about emotional intimacy for guys a bit later. sex isn't a fast and reliable progression anymore... becomes more complex. i guess... sex is a fairly fast and reliable progression for me. maybe... that freaked him a little. performance pressure or something. i don't know. maybe... i just have trouble hearing 'no'. and maybe... i just have trouble understanding 'too intimate'. maybe... i worry about things / read more into things than i should.

maybe... he just needs things to go a little slower. i think... he HAS been hurt. i haven't talked to him a great deal about his breakup (couple years ago now) but seemed like they were really serious and had been together for 3 or 4 years or something like that. he referred to it as... a 'divorce' yesterday. but... i don't think they were ever married. then he went into a bit of a rant about divorce and pre-nuptual agreements and how his therapist was saying they are fairly useless 'cause they are contestable anyway... and he was saying how if you are going to get divorced then you should really do that within 10 years...

and so thats a bit weird and all...

anyhoo... aren't relationships funny????

i guess... we will figure this out (or figure it out a little more anyway) over the next few months.

it is weird but i really do have to keep reminding myself: i only knew this guy for a couple weeks before we got involved. and then we were only together for two weeks. sure i moved in for those two weeks and since we work together we saw each other a lot... but it is only two weeks. and we have been talking on the phone a lot for the past month or so but... it isn't that weird to be saying 'too intimate' when you have only known someone for 3 weeks. is it? jeepers... it doesn't sound weird at all when put like that.

though... it does get me worried about me... that it felt alright for me... and feeling... a little sad that he did stuff with me that he wouldn't feel comfortable if i did that stuff with him... still... he didn't seem to mind. and... he doesn't seem to be holding it against me... and... either that or feeling really very rejected. i wish i wasn't so %#@&#! up :-(