My last cutting episode was close to a year ago. My last "episode", which was a different way of s/i that I thought wouldn't count as s/i because it wasn't cutting and was easily explained away, scalding, was about 4 months ago.

Much of the reason I have kept up not s/i is because I don't want to have the label "borderline" anymore. And for me, the s/i was the one indicator that I felt like I could reasonably control (or with the scalding, that I could easily explain away to my dh and kids).

I talked with my therapist yesterday and she mentioned bpd. I told her I didn't think I had it anymore, and mentioned that I hadn't cut recently. She said that I still thought about it and had the urges (true), and so s/i was still a part of me and that my diagnosis was still bpd.

I was so upset at this. I hate that the main reason I stopped s/i was because I didn't want the bpd label. I thought I would "look" better. But now that's gone away, I find my strength to avoid s/i is gone. Different, more explainable ways are going through my head, and I'm obsessing.

I feel dumb. The main reason I stopped was for a stupid reason, and now that it's gone, I want to go back to old coping skills because they worked - destructive, but they calmed me down and cleared my head.

I'm also drinking more, which I didn't do since I stopped s/i too.

I'm a bloody mess.