Dear MC,
Thanks so much for calling me today, presumably on your break, and talking to me about the e-mails. Just hearing your voice and the caring in it made me feel better. And the fact that you refused to accept my apology for bugging you with texts and e-mails, because you said I'd done nothing to warrant an apology--that made me feel better, too. Your explanation of why you responded as you did made sense--I mean, that really is what I asked for, for you to let me know that what I said was OK and that you had received the e-mail. The whole platonic thing that upset me so much--when you explained why you said that and why you reacted to what I'd said in that way--that made sense, too.

I couldn't bring myself to say how I'd really hoped you'd react--but I'm sure you should have been able to read between the lines there. Basically more in the way that T did. Talking about how weird the T relationship is and how it's basically one-sided (your words), which is a good thing because I don't have to worry about how you were feeling and could say anything...well, that made me feel a little sad, I guess. But when I said the thing about how it's a weird relationship because, yes, you care, but I pay you to do that, how I'm just your job...your response to that helped. Because you said that you can pay someone to do their job, but you can't pay them to care. And you asked if I've ever had a job that you loved, and I said yes, and you said that's what this was for you. And I said I couldn't imagine someone doing that job if they didn't get something positive out of it, and you said you did, and I said I was glad to hear that, and you thanked me.

I feel like parts of this conversation might not sound to someone on the outside like something that would make me feel better, but it wasn't just about what was said, but how you said it. It was you talking to me, not generic T (or MC) talking to generic client. The caring and the understanding of me were there, and the hope that I can get to a place where I don't need so much reassurance, whether from you or from anyone. Sure, you didn't reciprocate what I said, in so many words. But I certainly felt something at least approaching that coming from you on the phone today. And I've often felt it in session. So I think I just need to trust what I'm feeling and experiencing from you, and not look for you say some certain set of words to me. So, thanks.
Love,
LT