Hello Melissa Ann --

I agree with everything that Shakes said. It is a question of boundaries and appropriate behavior. I support your seeing a counselor to talk about it.

I'm going to share a bit about my story with you. Then, I will share my conclusions, so if you get tired of reading about moi, jump to the numbered list at the bottom.

I was madly, passionately in love with the man I married (30 years ago -- long story.) He had many women in his life. We were a "breaking up and making up" couple. And when we were broken up, some of the women who were "just friends" were in his bed faster than I could untwist the cap of a pickle bottle. Of course, they "didn't mean anything" to him once we were back together.

I was mugged and laid up for about a year and a half. He was a music critic and started squiring a woman ten years younger than I to concerts. I was 29 and she was 19. I was not supposed to be angry or jealous bec. they were "just friends" and he was helping her out bec. she was a music student. Later, I befriended her to find out what was going on, and it was true. She had another BF and was not interested in my guy. She also was not saying "I love you" to him and calling 3X a week.

Fast forward 5 years. Now I am the friend. I am not saying "I love you" or anything like that. He is remarried, and I try to be friendly with his new wife, as well, bec. she is a nice lady. I don't want her to have to be jealous as I was. The hub and I were in the same business (news), so it was pretty hard to avoid running into him. I know, deep down, I still love him. I love him so much that I honestly want him to be happy with his new wife.

However, one night her mother gets drunk and tells me to just leave my X alone. I was in such deep denial of my love for him that I honestly didn't know what she was talking about.

Fast foward 25 years. My 15 year relationship breaks up and I get in touch with my ex. He hasn't had a relationship that last longer than 5 years. He is not in one when I see him. He says misleading things such as, "You know I'll always love you."

I get in into my head that this man -- who has been the great love of my life, even during my 15 years with a stable man -- and I can get back together.

Then, after a couple of months of my trailing after him, he reveals that he's fallen in love with someone else. My overtures were overt, to say the least, and he could have told me this at least 2 months earlier. But he let me go on and on.

And suddenly I get it! The X was raised by 2 women -- his mom and grandmom. And I see how he always played them against each other. And I see that he always kept another woman in my face to ramp up my feelings for him. And then I became the "other woman" -- and he used it to create emotional instability for his next wife. So she was always the "crazy, jealous" person. I suddenly understand what her mom meant when she told me to butt out.

And I see why he kept me on the string for 2 months. One, it feeds his ego. And two, he was keeping me in the new woman's face, ramping up her interest. I could even hear the tone of voice that he would talk about me to her in -- about how his ex was just "crazy" about him, and he didn't knew what to do about it. Oh, my love would have been such a cross for him to bear. Didn't want to hurt me (like keeping me on the line two months with misleading statements wasn't hurtful). Oh, yes, poor X, such a nice wonderful guy with women falling over him.

Okay, there is a point, or more than 1, and I'm getting to it.

1. Consider your ex's background. If you're not seeing a counselor, it might be a good idea to start and have someone to talk with. Is there any situation in his background -- such as being raised by women, coming from a family sisters, that explains his behavior.

2. Is he making you wrong? You're jealous, you're crazy, etc. If he is, he has got you right where he wants you. Count on being wrong and crazy almost every time his ideas about how to live are different from yours. I was friendly with his X -- and this was the same strategy he used on me and her. Making you crazy for your jealousy is just the start.

3. One of the things I learned from my marriage was that I didn't want to be with a man who needed that kind of attention from women. The man I was with for 15 years had a special good female friend from his sandbox days. She was happily married. They loved each other, but there was nothing threatening about the relationship. It was sweet. No jealousy. He had some other distant friendships with one or two gals from his college years.

If a man needs to keep other women in my face, he's not the right man for me. I deserve better than that. And emotionally, I do not want to deal with it.

4. If you are jealous, do not discount your emotions. You may be sensing an untrustworthiness in this man that you "can't put your finger on." That doesn't mean that it isn't real.

There is a lot to work out in this relationship. I wish you much good with it. I think seeing a counselor would be helpful.

PS -- I still love my X madly. But he is one of the most emotionally unstable people I've met. Even if he decided he wanted me back, it would not be good for me. Bummer, huh? Also, maturity in knowing and respecting myself.