I always have had a problem with the concept of being strong. I saw people who looked like they were able to handle everything that life threw them in a confident manor.....but what was going on inside while they were doing that? How much of the self confident front was it that made it look like it was so easy for them?

I know that for me, I had a lot of things thrown at me from the time I was a child & didn't have the option of not handling the problems or not.....each time I had another problem to take care of, the easier it got to handle.....& the stronger & more confident I got at handling the things that were thrown at me. When others had problems, they would come to me for advice & most of the time, I could provide reasonable suggestions to help them.

Then came the time when I fell apart. I fell into a million pieces & couldn't figure out what end was up or what the next thing I had to do was. I felt like my world was falling apart, but I was the strong one who always had the answers....only it wasn't that way anymore. No one could accept the way I was....because it wasn't the me they knew I was. It was difficult for me to have anyone realize that I was as bad off as I really was. The frustration grew so bad & it felt like everything around me was falling apart. With that came the suicidial feelings. I couldn't help myself.....I had no strength to pull myself through anything & I couldn't get help from anyone....I never needed help before....why should she need help now? I felt like there was no way out & where I was wasn't something I was willing to live with so what was the purpose of living? I felt completely lost & that there was no way back to the person I had been.

Years later, & many suicide attempts later, I have found that strong person again......& that person feels even a bit stronger than before. The previous strength just kind of happened based on things I had observed......the strength now is more based on things I have experienced & been able to look back on & figure out what had really happened.

Debbie