I totally get how difficult this is, and I suspect the biggest problem is an issue of your T maybe not intuiting how important timing and readiness to tackle this is. Blame and responsibility are not the same thing--but I don't think anyone can distinguish them until they've reached a point of internalizing validation for the pain. She has to earn the right to pursue the distinction. But I know for me, accepting appropriate responsibility--and rejecting inappropriate responsibility--played a big part in my ability to shed self-blame.