I can honestly tell you that you're not alone in your way of thinking and feeling.

I don't have any advice and I don't have any trite platitudes to toss your way. I'm sitting on a fence right now and I don't know whether to jump or wait to be pushed nor do I know what's on either side.

I'm going to actually make my decision for me. I don't see him for 10 more days but I'm going to wheel in and ask if he's anything else for me. I've done the work, I've put out the effort, if I felt as if he were willing to show some effort, I might stay. I can't think of a single thing that he's said that I either haven't heard dozens of times before or thought of myself.



I had that thought earlier. If I didn't have some mind left...

I'm going to put it on paper. I actually don't know if he reads what I write (except what he reads here) because he never refers to anything negative that I've written.

I don't need to ask him what he thinks that he's done for me - I think that we both know the answer to that; I want to ask him what he thinks is supposed to be his role. And I want him to define my role.

No, you're not alone. I wonder about the "happy" people, too. I was happy, on and off, for about 31 years, maybe? Happy sounds too strong, though. Okay. I was genuinely happy when I loved and was loved in return. The latter sounds selfish but it's true. One of my best female friends has been married for 35 years and started having kids almost immediately and began loathing the man she married after 2 years of marriage. So she kept having kids. Now the kids bring their kids over to visit her and the man she can't stand. Everyone thinks they've had the perfect marriage.

So where is she? Not happy and not too stupid to think she's happy, just too stupid to think that she could be content by making everyone else happy. Maybe there are some people that are somewhere in there.

A lot depends on age and other relationships. At my age, 57, with my only friend having died two weeks ago, I'm too old and lonely to be happy. I wish I remembered who wrote this but it was written here - "I always thought that I would die lonely but I never thought that there would be no one."

There are a lot of in-betweens from truly ignorant and happy and... whatever. This may sound as trite as anything but I think that if you're bright the best that you can hope for is a love that puts you just above contentment and touching the border of happiness.

It really sucks to be old and alone with no love at all. Unless you're ignorant and are visited by the fairies everyday at tea.