So it seems that extended silence I had in my last session led to a rather productive session today. I wrote a pretty detailed reflection on that session and shared it with my T. I told her that I started to tear up at one point during that silence and I was angry at her because she was too busy taking notes to even notice. I felt abandoned. T asked me how I would like her to react to my distress and I said I was too embarrassed to tell her. I want her to hug me and take care of me but I know she can't do that and it wouldn't be good for me anyway. I could never tell T that though because I don't want to be disappointed when she says no.

I also talked to T about how I idealise her and I felt so uncomfortable and confused when those idealised feelings switched to anger last session and then switched back to idealisation about a day later. T shared some of her insights about this and I'm still trying to process it. She said something like I need to idealise people because anything less than that "perfect" image just doesn't feel right to me. People are either all good or all bad and anything in-between is wrong somehow. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or not.

T also said that I seem to want to resist being the "patient" and that I try to control the relationship in subtle ways (like withdrawing and not talking). She said something about how being in the subordinate role in relationship is uncomfortable for me so I try to "level the playing field". None of this is making much sense at the moment but there is definitely something there because I always feel like I am the subordinate in any relationship and tend to withdraw when I feel threatened as a way to control the situation. It's a lot to take in. I had to ask T to explain it to me again because I was so confused the first time she said all this. I feel like this is a roundabout way of saying I'm manipulative but I'm probably taking it the wrong way.

I had a lot of trouble staying present this session and felt weirdly disconnected from my left leg for a brief moment. It's hard to explain but I had to sort of wiggle my toes a bit and say to myself "this is my leg". I mostly felt pretty emotionally numb this session and I think I was blocking a lot of things out. My guard is definitely back up (and reinforced) after the previous session.

Also, it seems the deeper I delve into my issues the more issues I find. It seems like there is a never ending amount of things wrong with me and it will take a life time to sort through it all and then there won't be any time left to experience life normally.