I'm not sure why it still feels like a script to me...
About 2 years ago now, I started having flashbacks of abuse involving my father. I only ever remembered them during a flashback, and that is also the only time they ever felt real. I've been talking to t's about it since it started.
For some reason, this week it's finally started hitting me as something that might actually have been reality at one point. I still feel no connection to it unless I'm in a flashback, but it's feeling more real maybe? I dunno.
Has anyone had stuff come up later in life? How did you deal with it? Did you believe the things your head was showing you?
It feels like someone has died. T says I'm mourning the loss of the life I had imagined (the healthier, less abusive one)... it feels like there's this huge back hole in my chest and it's going to crush me into myself.
I still question the validity of the "memories", but at the same time, it feels like it fits, and it feels like i'm accepting them on some level (though maybe not consciously).
T seems to think they are valid (as have the other t's I've worked with since this came out). They seem convinced because of the way my body reacts to talking about the memories (sometimes even just thinking about them). They come like flashbacks. Somethings my body jolts in place when remembering them... so I seem to have t's convinced, just not myself.
I dunno.
How do you come to terms with something like that? How do you completely rewrite your childhood understanding of things?
If they are true, it means I was surrealism abused by my dad from the time I was born till I went away to college in another state... that's a long ****ing time to not remember what was going on. I mean, yeah, he was abusive and violent, but I never remembered csa by him (others, I knew about/was told about), but not my dad...
I dunno how to deal with this...