When I started to suffer from insomnia I began to hate my bed. It was painful lying there for eight hours regretting the next day and the dull routine of a mindless job. Blah. The racing thoughts tore apart my mind and body. I was always anxious to get home to sleep but, the fear of the bed returned. I finally quit the job and prepared to end it all. I gave most of my belongings away and bought a weapon. Couldn't do it. I was afraid of hell. Blast it all. Fortunately or maybe not. I discovered I was eligible for VA help and then applied for SSDI and was approved. I got a script for Xanax and Ambien CR. Well, it helps so, so. It's the only way to get somnolence. Does it make me feel better. Hardly. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they don't. It seemed the racing thoughts had dissipated but with a vengeance they returned. No trigger, no rhyme or reason. The meds had minimal effect. Even with about four hours of constantly broken sleep every night I have no idea how I'll be in the AM. This AM up at 02:30. What the deuce? This happens all the time. I may arise weak and dizzy then I got to go slow. Can't get much done today, to weak. The laundry piles up, the place gets dirtier and I don't care. It's harder to analyze much any more. Can't think on one subject for five minutes. Thank goodness I have a Rep Payee. They pay my bills. I get an inkling to do something one minute and the next it's gone. Ta ta thought. What am I missing? When there is a good morning I rush to get chores done. It may be my last chance for another week. I literally live in my bed. My PC is my only link to the outside world. My cat is my only partner. I wait for the somnolence, wait. When it happens off goes the monitor and I get maybe an hour of broken sleep and boom! Back awake. Pissed and angry. Well got to wait another four or six hours before dosing another Xanax. Ever thought you were sleeping but your eyes are open and you're having a dream? Weird. I can't move when this happens. Sometimes the dreams are scary and I have to force my conscience to override my sub-conscience.

So, I like my bed but, I don't. It provides a sense of security but at the same time resentment. I'm 59, alone and with no future. I wish sometimes I would go to sleep and never wake up. Life ain't like that though. We got to suffer and learn something. I think I've learned enough. That's why my weapon is only a few feet away.