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Originally Posted by Ruari
I am currently going through something vaguely similar, though the men never cheat on me. My think is that I seem to attract men who are emotionally unavailable to some extent, who all like me a lot but at a point they back off and/or bolt. Even when I've been in a serious relationship, they will withhold affection to the point that I feel like I'm pushing and nagging just to get my needs met. I just broke something off with a man with whom I felt that same pattern beginning. And I have been doing some reading and it turns out I have a degree of emotional unavailability as well, and just like in real life chemistry, like attracts like. But my unavailability is a fear of rejection, while I'm attracting men with a fear of engulfment. So I eventually get needy and come on too strong and that's when they retreat. I don't know if this is what is happening in your relationships--women retreat in totally different ways than men (and I feel like women would have the rejection thing more than the engulfment thing, but it's definitely not gendered).
I bookmarked this link. Maybe it will give some insight, I don't know. But it is worth a read:
Why Do I Keep Attracting Unavailable People? |
Thanks for the link. Yes I have notice this pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable women. I tend to not think of myself as emotionally unavailable, but I know that I am in a sense... I have asperger's and that makes it difficult for me to process emotions in the same way most people do, but that does not mean I don't have emotions... quite the opposite. And this does seem to be part of the problem, even though I explain it up front.
You see, with me, the more intensely I feel an emotion, the more difficulty I have with it. So as the relationship progresses and my feeling for the other person deepen, I do tend to withdraw... not because of any fear of intimacy, or engulfment, but in order to process the emotions I'm feeling. So as I fall for a person, I do grow a bit distant, but this is only for a brief time, and I make it full known what is going on and even warn them ahead of time.
Also, it's not like I cut off ties or stop talking... in fact it helps me to process if I can talk through it with someone. Maybe my somewhat clinical approach of what is supposed to be some magical, romance movie thing kills the romance. Or maybe I seem to be questioning what I'm feeling and therefore questioning the relationship or the person I'm with? This is why I try to explain how I process emotions up front, so that whoever I am with will understand that this is how I feel things and how I have to work through things to avoid becoming overwhelmed and going into complete shutdown mode.
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Sometimes insanity is a perfectly sane reaction to an insane situation.