Wow Philosopher, I'm so sorry to hear of your plight! Please give up on the idea of suicide! I know it feels like an easy way out. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor about your feelings? Have you ever seen a pdoc? Between therapy and meds you likely will find a way to ease your pains. For what it's worth, I think your writing skills are very good! It's depression that is shading all your thoughts with grayness. Don't give up!!