Quote:
Originally Posted by Kharon97
I’ve been through a lot within the last 11 years and I guess I’ve gotten to the point where it’s all just bull to me. I’ve been assaulted, violated, beaten, manipulated, cheated, and taken advantage of.. etc. Whatever hopes and dreams I once had for myself are gone. They’re dead. I’m just a shell, I just breath and react to my environment… The best way I can describe it is being the background crowd in the photograph. One of the “extras” It’s surreal and in a bad way.
All problems at this point just seem petty, they’re grey areas and that’s all they are. I guess it’s so much that it’s all just… unamusing. I have no one to confide these thought or feelings to any more, It’s just me, alone. ALL.THE.TIME. I’m starting to realize that those who are truly happy are either
A) Truly happy with their life and what they’ve made out of it.
Or
B) Truly ignorant about life and as an old saying goes “ignorance is bliss”
It’s starting to seem like people lean towards option B…
The “happiest” of people that I’ve met so far don’t know what it’s like to have depression, suicidal thoughts, triggers, anxieties, voices… Disorders, disorders, ”disorders. Then again, I’m told by people from my support group and therapy sessions that this life is “worth it.” All of their talk seems so hypocritical…
I can’t tell anyone what my plans are without getting some B.S. excuse among the lines of “It gets better” or “you need to change your thinking”, “get out of your environment.” I’ve been the same way for years now. When does any of this get better? I’ve been through therapy, taken meds, got out, explored, meet new people… I want to exit my own life and I guess all I want is for someone to just be there and try not to reason with me, and when the time comes… just be there. That’s all I really want now.
What do I have to lose when I have nothing to lose but my own mind and body? What else is left? Now that I think about it, exiting, and doing it for yourself isn’t weak… When someone tells me to think about the “survivors” I’m just like; “Have you ever thought about what their final moments were like, the intensity of those feelings they had??"
Is it even selfish to want to go all out and lose your screws? While I’m living and breathing on this earth I get treated like I’m worthless, but the minute I cut my ropes… That’s when people start caring… Seems ironic really.
Am I alone with this thinking?
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Hello
I am going to make you mad right away by telling you that life is work and that a lot of the people you see and beleive are happy also deal with depression, abuse, anxiety and a raft of all kinds of other miseries. That is because life is bascially really tough. Yes, it is tougher on those with greater intelligence and sensitivities, but that ebcause life is also unfair. Ask any fool.
I am not dismissing your despair and desire to give up. Not in the least. I am just telling you that when someone tells you you need to change your way of thinking and work at getting happier they are giving good advice. Happiness doesnt come knocking at your door. Depression is soemthing that those of us who suffer from it must deal with on a daily basis and that is also just the way it is.
You say people treat you like you are worthless, but then you talk about yourself and life as is you yourself beleive you and your life are worthless! There is a connection here that you should be paying attention to.
DONT let go of your dreams. You dont want to put them into the past tense. You do have choices and can learn to make better ones. Thats that work thing again. Work at making your life what you want. Work with what you ahve and your own problems--but work at it. You'd be amazed at how changing your attitude can change your life. I recommend checking out the book Mind Over Mood. So many of the things we think we cant do anything about--it ends up that we really can.
Again, I am not dismissing your despair or depression. I have known a lot of people who have all sorts of problems and they are basically happy people and it not because of magic. You are not alone in your situation, dear heart. I am telling you to work with what you have and decide that you deserve a good life that you yourself can in very many ways determine. It wont come to you, you will make it happen yourself. And even when you are able to accomplish that, dont expect not to have some really crummy days or even weeks. That is life. Life is messy and unfair and hard. The happiest people
I know accept this as fact. Our lives and our selves are best defined by our courage to live life in spite of all this. It's no picnic, but its all any of us gets.
Take care.