First and foremost, I'm so sorry that you're feeling such pain. You're not alone, and you're not a failure. That is funny for me to say, because I constantly carry the burden of being a failure with me, but I think that's part of our disease: we are punished by a host of beliefs we carry about ourselves that aren't true. Others can see they aren't true, but we can't.

I also want to say I'm sorry that your father has failed you. Be clear about that. He's failing you if he can't see your value and your talents. And if he's calling you a queer and a weirdo that say FAR more about him than it does about you.

I want to challenge you a bit. Could you be a complete failure in school/life if you've read the likes of, or even if you KNOW the likes of, Tolstoy or Dostoevsky or Goethe or Kafka? What does it say about you and your capacity for learning, reading, curiosity, etc. that you would even know of those great authors? I'll bet you Trump never read Goethe or Kafka...

Finally, if you took the time to write here and express the depth of the pain you're feeling, you haven't completely given up on life. Just your writing here is a sign that somewhere, maybe deep and hidden away, you know there is life worth living, and you want support and help in finding that life.

Thank you for writing. It wasn't even a week ago that I was asking myself some of the same questions. But you help me remember that I'm not alone, that I'm not crazy, that I'm not a failure for being depressed and believing the lies I tell myself. I need help, but that doesn't mean I'm a failure or that I'm not worth saving or that I can't contribute wonderful things to the world.

Please keep reaching out...