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Old May 14, 2016, 02:58 PM
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DarknessForever DarknessForever is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 1,959
Quote:
Originally Posted by artemis-within View Post
Home from t. Obviously I did start driving again and went! lol I even got there a couple minutes early and was sitting in my car rocking out (to Melissa of course, "Shout Now") and she saw me, I didn't notice that she had opened the door lol so I'm rocking away.... and when I saw it was time I looked over and there she was watching me from her door lol. She said she thought I had waved to her - I said no, I didn't even see you open the door, I was rockin' out! and I sang a little bit of the song as I went in.

We had a good session, did talk a little bit about my intense feeeelings stuff from 2 weeks ago, mainly it was me sharing my inner-workings as I felt my way through it all. I said thank you for putting up with me especially through that. And I told her that despite how I was acting during all of that - that this work we do, this relationship we have built over time, that it means a lot to me. It felt good to let myself just say that to her.

And we talked a little about that very black day of rage and anger that I had earlier this week, how in the grip of it I was, but that I did allow myself to feel it - told her how between calls at work I was writing big, hard strokes with my pen in my notebook that tore the pages - but I didn't run away from the anger like usual, I acknowledged it and felt it and wrote through it, somehow doing my job as normal around it..... after I got home took a hot bath and went to bed really early.... and it was gone the next morning. She wondered if I'd thought to ask the anger who it was, to show me a face.... I said no, I did good to just do exactly what I did.... she said I should invite it to tea.... I said that's a little too pretty.... and she said well maybe that's where we need to focus our work now....

So now that's over, the rest of the weekend we will be deep-cleaning the house in preparation for a) the appraisal for our refi and b) my mother /sister in law coming to visit in a week and a half.

Happy Saturday, couch!!
I'm so glad it went well for you!

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There are so many things wrong with me, and sometimes I believe there is more than what is diagnosed. I fear never healing, being left alone to crawl this heartless, cruel world. I hate myself so much, and sometimes, as much as I hate them, all I really want is a heartfelt hug. Will I ever make it through this thing called life? Or will I drown in the darkest depths of the ocean? Only time can tell. As for now, I just hide and I fear. This is, and will always be my life.