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May 14, 2016, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I experienced suicide as a bystander and saw first hand the pain and anguish that spiralled further and further affecting more andm7ore people. I realized then I could not do it.

I took some very good therapy. But it was meeting a very good and special person in my life to turn things around. It took quite the leap of faith to pursue this. Today i am stable and relatively content. It just happened. But it wouldn't havd had I not been open to the prospect of good.

Possible trigger:

I've experienced suicide from all sorts of angles - just never my own! My stepmother's was the 'closest,' I suppose, but I didn't see her corpse. When I saw my friends corpse, with the dark blue face, laying belly down I knew that he'd been dead for awhile. In the successful hangings that I've seen, it's the feet and ankles that take on the purple-blue color and the head and eyes have that weird bulging. I've never had any experience of personal pain and anguish or seen it experienced by others so I've never used that as a reason not to do it... more like a personally moral reason, too complex to discuss here. If I go for another 6-9 months, though, with further mental degradation, suicide may be the only way that I'm able to cope with the continuing pain.

I think that you raise a very good point, though. Particularly for younger people. You have to always be open for something good to come along. Not to the point of being ridiculous, of course. But you have to acknowledge that you're more resilient at 27 than at 57, just as you are more likely to acknowledge that at 57 you've tried more things and have more experiences to draw upon.

You persevered and you were lucky in finding both a therapy that worked for you and someone who was able to help you find some contentment and stability. I think that's wonderful and I think that's the "good enough" existence that many of us long for. Many of us are so frightfully far away from any sort of semblance of contentment that we've given up being open to anything good because we're so accustomed to the worst measures being meted out. If you've reached my age and your good or happy moments can be counted on one hand, common sense will tell you that you're not going to begin to use the other hand for the next 10 years.

Not to inject any religious talk into the discussion but I've found myself praying again. I would like to say that prayer is helping but it isn't and neither is any sort of psychotherapy. I'll get into the latter in another thread.

To say that we who continue to suffer do so only because we haven't put enough work into getting better or because we haven't persevered is like a gut punch. And then there are those who come along and suggest that we put too much effort into trying to feel well. And for those unfortunate few who pay for the mixed signals with their lives? We leave behind their masters to prattle, in unison, "If he'd only listened to me!"

That brings out the real problem: attempting to work at/try 15 different methods over a 30 year period and finding the single one that works but being denied the method because because it's slightly less efficacious when on opioids.

I'm going to hop over to the psychotherapy (or whatever) forum and see if I can get a grip on what they're supposed to be doing now.