New T. If you ask why I have not emailed since our last session I want to be clear in myself and be able to tell you why. Because I didn't want to. Because you will never be Old T and, right now, I can't see you coming anywhere close. I am starting to hurt at the loss of her and I didn't feel you with me last session. You keep pointing out the positives but that isn't what I need. I just don't think you get it. I have always been good at reasoning things away, brushing them under the carpet, moving on. What I am not great with is allowing myself to feel the hurt, sharing this hurt with anyone else knowing it is safe to do so. In fact I suck at that bit most of all and that is why I am with you, asking for your help, laying myself on the line (that is how it feels to me anyway). You cannot be to me what she was and so why are we bothering with this at all. You are not meeting what I need, even knowing how hard it is for me to ask. I don't even think you know how hard it is, though that isn't your fault. When you asked if it was OK that your response was delayed over the weekend because, well, it was the weekend, what did you expect me to say apart from, sure that's fine. You defended H when you should have supported me and you didn't respect my request not to discuss him. You have not written down for me what you said you would a week ago, despite having seen me twice since and you often mention reassurance though I don't feel any of this from you. You said at the end that me making sense of everything is the most important thing but that just highlights how little you understand me because it does all make sense to me, I just fail to see how it can possibly make sense to anyone else. That is what is most important to me. In reality I know it has only been a couple of months together so we are both still learning about each other, though the only thing you have told me is that you are getting a Guinea pig this weekend. In hindsight that was because I asked so maybe I should just ask what I would like to know. This is all confusing.

For these reasons I did not see the point in emailing you this week. I have nothing to say and yet everything to say. This needs to be done face to face, though I am sure that if you ask how my week has been I will say, 'yeah, OK thanks, working, cooking etc' and if you ask why I didn't email I will say I was just a bit busy with H back at home unexpectedly.

Maybe I should print off the first bit of this post to show you though I am sure that would end up sitting in my pocket. I am so bad at the whole relationship thing.