It's hard. I can't even explain the blackness I feel at times. Not enough to be considered depression, but at times, it is so deep and completely consuming. I thought I was over feeling this. But it never completely leaves. I feel so worthless. So pathetic. So much like a messed-up freak. Someone who can't do anything right. Selfish. Just bad overall. My T said I wasn't bad. That bad people are rapists and murderers. But I AM bad. He's wrong! I am bad. I am nothing. I haven't said those things at once to myself in about a year. I just don't know what to do anymore. He says "What is there to hate about yourself?" Like you can't see. My hair, the way I talk, I'm an ugly *****, excuse the language, the way I act, everything. I can't even take care of myself mentally. How in the world is that something to love? It's not! Such a worthless freak. I have people telling me how worthwhile I am, how important, and all I can say the whole time is, no, I'm not! Not at all. So stop telling me that! And yet it feels good to hear even if I don't believe it. And then I feel selfish trying to get help and telling people what is wrong because everything in my mind us how awful things are for me. Me, me, me. And I HATE it. How much can one person hate themselves before it becomes too much? Honestly. I think it never stops. Sorry, guys. I'm rambling.
Thanks, TrailRunner. I love the support you always give me, along with everyone else here. I know I can always speak here and people hear. People who can truly understand and go through the same things.

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