Quote:
Originally Posted by DarknessForever
It's hard. I can't even explain the blackness I feel at times. Not enough to be considered depression, but at times, it is so deep and completely consuming. I thought I was over feeling this. But it never completely leaves. I feel so worthless. So pathetic. So much like a messed-up freak. Someone who can't do anything right. Selfish. Just bad overall. My T said I wasn't bad. That bad people are rapists and murderers. But I AM bad. He's wrong! I am bad. I am nothing. I haven't said those things at once to myself in about a year. I just don't know what to do anymore. He says "What is there to hate about yourself?" Like you can't see. My hair, the way I talk, I'm an ugly *****, excuse the language, the way I act, everything. I can't even take care of myself mentally. How in the world is that something to love? It's not! Such a worthless freak. I have people telling me how worthwhile I am, how important, and all I can say the whole time is, no, I'm not! Not at all. So stop telling me that! And yet it feels good to hear even if I don't believe it. And then I feel selfish trying to get help and telling people what is wrong because everything in my mind us how awful things are for me. Me, me, me. And I HATE it. How much can one person hate themselves before it becomes too much? Honestly. I think it never stops. Sorry, guys. I'm rambling.
Thanks, TrailRunner. I love the support you always give me, along with everyone else here. I know I can always speak here and people hear. People who can truly understand and go through the same things.
Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk
|
Sending hugs DF. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I grew up feeling like I was bad and that destroyed my self-esteem and I have worked so hard in therapy to start restoring it. Awhile back I had a huge realization and it was a pivotal moment in my therapy where I realized way down deep in my soul that I am not bad. I am not bad! And I never WAS bad! I literally cried tears of joy when I said that to my t the first time. I want to find what I wrote and share it with you. Hoping I can find it. It was life-changing for me. I'm in my 50's now so I lived with that feeling like I was bad, and worthless, etc for a really really long time before my t helped me start turning my thinking around. It's hard work, I know. But your t is right. You are worthwhile. Look at how much support you provide to the rest of us here on the couch! Bad, worthless people do not support others. They try to tear others down. I have never seen you try to tear someone down here. You are always supportive of everyone, and I for one appreciate you!