I was thinking about my reaction to T last week in the beginning of my session. I wasn't totally honest with her or else I didn't realize something. I commented that she was wearing her contacts, not glasses, so she asked how that makes me feel. This has come up often. I said I can see your eyes so it makes me more nervous, but I'm not going to look away.

Today it occurred to me that what I felt was love! I hadn't seen her for awhile and looking in her eyes brought it all back. After 6 years and all we've been through together, how can I not love her? I've told her I love her but not directly in person. Thinking about telling her makes me imagine the session where I'd cry when I say it. I'd say "I don't want to love you! I've never let myself love anyone like I love you." And I would cry because I'm so pathetic! But these fantasies never happen because I stop myself and I never cry in therapy, ever. I don't know if it's worth telling her about this fantasy. An hour is too short for everything I want to say, and work on. That's so it always is. My T won't go back to 90 minute sessions either, or see me more often. I just have to work hard to get through what I want to. The issues I have left to work on aside from the attachment have become clearer. That's something positive. But I'm noticing that not emailing is making me post a lot this week.