I have a lot of physical illness as well as mental.My mobility is bad due to weak legs, a buffalo hump and spinal misalignment.I have blood pressure problems and diabetes and hypothyroidism as well as depression.

I was abused a lot by my sister,she would call me lazy and reluctantly do things for me like get shopping in cut my grass and DIY around the home,this was so she could foster helplessness in me and make me dependent on her.

Well lately I have struggled with the chores.I cut my sister out of my life a year and a half ago,I had home help to do the vacumning all that time.Now I have had to let home help go so that I can use the money to pay for a gardener to cut the grass etc because I cannot manage the outdoor work alone anymore.

I feel sad for the loss of my own strength and power to do this job myself and I feel so guilty for needing the help.I think it is because my sister always made me feel like a burden if I needed help and that I didn't deserve it,like I was useless and causing other people to have to work on my behalf.

I know though that it isn't my fault that I can't do the work myself and that even if I am disabled and unable I am still a valuable human being and I deserve to be respected and have the help so I am not worrying and getting more ill forcing myself to exhaust myself doing work that is too much for me.
I still feel sad though.I feel fortunate I have the money too to pay workers to do it for me,I am so grateful to disability for paying me,that is another worry if I ever lose that benefit.

I have no one to talk to about this that understand how it makes me feel in light of the abuse my sister always gave me about it.I know how hard like can be and I have lived with scarcity and I have been ill and alone and had no one to help so I have been in great distress and desperate.I sometimes have a survival mentality cos that is what my mother passed on to us and what I experienced when ill was poverty and scarcity and isolation.

I never want to feel that way again so I really want to let go of the pain involved with all this and to feel good I can pay for help instead of guilty.
My wish is to not need anyone or need their help either but as I am ill and as I am aging I do need people,is that so very bad?